LifeGoesDeeper

I am a Dreamer.

2011-11-30T20:47:00.000-08:00

I am a beloved Child of the Living God.
His empowering presence surrounds me.

Because of Jesus I have permission to be me, without apology.

I have permission to dream.
Big.

I have permission to try new things.
I have permission to fail.
And I have permission to learn from my experiences.

I have permission to create.
I have permission to succeed.

A transformed mind means the impossible becomes logical.
Nothing is impossible.

Song of My Heart

2009-10-27T12:46:00.001-07:00

Bexter asked me about a month ago what my greatest dream was.

These are honestly a little hard to write down… at times it feels like if I were to say them out loud in anything above a whisper they might startle and flutter away. Other times I feel so bold that I could run through the streets.

I’ll put it simply first, then give the long version.

My greatest dream is two-fold: it is personal and it is corporate, and one flows from the other like a stream filling a river. It is, personally, to be undone by the cross and consumed with love for Jesus, knowing that I am enjoyed by Him even in my weaknesses.

And flowing out of that reality, my greatest dream on a corporate level is to see entire cities undone by the power and love of Jesus… not just saved, but transformed by the mercy and majesty of Jesus Christ unto preparedness for the Day of the Lord.

Long version, and possibly some rants/tangents:

For the past few months my heart has been locked up in so many ways, and at times it’s a battle to get even minor breakthroughs. I have been asking the Lord to tenderize my heart again… to restore to my heart the deep desire I’ve known at certain seasons of my life. In short, to wake me up.

At first everything is blurry…

blink. blink. blink. …the world comes into focus as I begin to catch a glimpse of it through the eyes of Jesus.

Longing. Desire. Groaning.

One thing: Jesus. Crucified. Resurrected. Fully Alive. The kindest, strongest, gentlest, meekest man ever to walk to earth. Just like His Father.

I want a lot of things. I love boats and old cars. I love hunting and rock climbing. I love fabricating and building things. Philosophy and root beer…so many things I could spend my time and energies on, countless competing desires in my heart. But when I sit still, even for mere seconds, to hear, suddenly it all looks anemic (at best) in comparison to the greatness of Christ… to the greatness of gaining Christ. He is my inheritance; He is my reward. He is that which I long for.

Working really hard and sprinkling Jesus over it at the end of the day will not cut it. Our little peanut kingdoms will not stand at the Day of the Lord, no matter how much “Jesus” we sprinkle over it. Jesus did not come to “help” us do our stuff and build our little kingdoms. Jesus is the life-source. Receiving Jesus means all of our “stuff” is uprooted and replaced with the life-giving foundation of Christ. This brings us into an impossible kingdom… one we don’t have the ability to operate in. That’s why the Holy Spirit is the “helper.” He empowers us to do the impossible… bring increase to the manifest Kingdom of God on the earth.

Why would I even consider wasting time on all these other things when I could lay hold of Him?!?

Paul counts it all garbage, dung, that he might lay hold of Christ. I would agree with him.

Jesus Christ.

The central figure in all of history. All of creation begins and ends with and in Jesus – around His nature and character, who He is and what He’s like. All of History, from creation to the Day of the Lord, is to be seen, read, and understood through that lens.

The Lord made that so clear to me the other day as I was praying and meditating on the phrase “I desire mercy…” (Matthew 9:13). I was having a hard time, frankly, because I don’t get mercy. I mean, yea, I get it textually… I can break mercy down for you and tell you about why Jesus had to die and yada yada yada.

I get mercy, but in a “county municipal code” sort of way.

There is a vast difference between knowing about the ocean and the waves and the creatures and actually being caught out on that ocean in it’s raging storm. That storm is mercy.

Terrifying mercy.

The Lord opened my eyes and it was like I suddenly saw mercy and meekness everywhere. Every verse, every story, every word of Jesus had mercy and meekness oozing out of it.

I always thought I got mercy. I thought I understood meekness. I mean, I’ve even taught it in Bible studies and stuff… I’m not great at walking it out (mainly because I have a overdeveloped, not to mention wrong, understanding of holiness), but I figured at least I understood it.

Fail.

Epic Fail.

We don’t understand mercy because we don’t understand justice. We don’t understand meekness because we don’t understand strength. All of this leads us to view God wrongly, thus missing so much of what He desires to pour out to us... missing so much of our inheritance. We are walking so far below the place He desires us to be. Remember, He said "Father, I desire that they would be with Me where I am." What kind of God says something like that? What kind of God desires to share His glory with the very ones who hate Him...who crucify Him?

Behold, God is great and we do not know Him.

We have lost the understanding, except in some sort of ethereal theoretical sort of way, of what we actually deserve. We’ve desperately lost sight of who God is and who we are. We’ve lost sight of what we were created for, the height from which we’ve fallen, the depth to which we’ve fallen, and we have yet to even comprehend the place to which we’ve been raised up… “seated with Christ.”

...I feel like I could sit up all night right now writing, but wisdom tells me sleep is a good idea. So…to be continued.

A Fatherless Generation

2009-10-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

I went to a prayer meeting the other day (which is probably one of my favorite things ever: prayer+meeting=awesome). We were praying for God to raise up a generation of sold out hearts in Peoria. I prayed that God would bring fathers and mothers into those young lives to train and guide them. Lisa jumped in after and prayed for “impartation and healing for the generation right now who doesn’t know what it means to have a spiritual father or mother.”

Throughout my life I have been blessed with people who invested in me and taught me about the Lord and the things of His word. Darin was a father to me from 5th-8th grade. He was the first; the one who laid the foundations. Todd was a father to me. He was the one who led me to the place of making my faith my own and going hard after God. Phil was a father to me. He led me to the things of the Spirit and provoked me seek out what it meant to “walk in the Spirit.”

After Phil left for Kansas City, I was left to sort out the day to day questions “on my own.” That’s not to say that he left me hanging in any way at all… I was just now at a place where I didn’t have anyone leading me. My church at the time didn’t really have a concept of discipleship, so I was left to press into the journey of the Lord on my own.

I’m thankful for the 4 or 5 years that I had people intentionally investing in me and provoking me… and leading me with wisdom when I was ready to make foolish decisions in my zeal. But about my sophomore year of college I found myself clinging to Isaiah 54.13, which says “Your sons will be taught of the Lord.” I prayed constantly for the Lord to bring someone into my life to be a mentor, a father… someone to provoke me further in the Lord and to affirm me in the things I was doing – somebody to simply confirm to me that I was doing this right.

I told the Lord that as long as someone like that was not in my life, I fully expected Him to teach me and guide me; to provoke me and show me how to walk in this realm that I was so unfamiliar with.

I have no doubt that He did just that… no doubt in my mind.

But something still lingers… the desire for affirmation. Sometimes I still wonder if I’m doing this all right… if I’m walking how I’m supposed to be walking… if I’m walking in all I could be… if I’m overstepping some sort of boundary…

There’s been a sort of “kickback” against this sort of affirmation in our culture in the past few years. It’s like a lone-ranger mentality, and I’ve had that one for a while. So when I say “affirmation,” I don’t mean that I need somebody to tell me who I am - I know that full well. What I am saying, though, is that we were made by God to live and abide in community and part of that is the safe-haven of accountability.

Lisa’s prayer caused a groan to rise up in me because I still have that lingering question… “Am I doing this all right?” And so much like the question from Wild at Heart – “Do I have what it takes?” Those questions linger fiercely in my heart… fiercely.

This is a strange for me because I grew up with a great dad who provided so much for me. One thing, however, that was always a little difficult for him was teaching (especially about anything concerning God…that’s just sort of something that he grew up learning you “don’t talk about”), so I essentially learned how to figure things out on my own – which I’m truly grateful for. That’s a skill that, as I’m learning, the vast majority of the people in today’s world don’t have. So I love my dad, and I wouldn’t replace him with anybody…I’ve learned so much from my him. But what I’m longing for is a spiritual father… literally a “father in the spirit.”

This is what so many today, young and old, are groaning for: Fathers and Mothers.

Like those who’ve grown up without a father in the home, the victims of an epidemic across the globe, I think there are a multitude of Christians today who were born into the church and don’t even know they have an inheritance because they had no father or mother to show it to them (this is also one of the reasons I have a gut-check about the “mega-church” trend we have going here). Thus they sit with the a trillion dollar inheritance, all the while living like paupers because they don’t know any better. I am convinced that this must be bestowed…released through the fellowship of believers.

…Sometimes I wonder what inheritance I have that I don’t know about.

I want everything God will give me, and if the people around me don’t want the portion they’ve been given, I’ll take that too. I want to walk in the highest reality and fullness that the Lord will allow me to walk in. I want it all.

But sometimes I need someone to help me walk that zeal out. Sometimes I do foolish things because I have revelation without wisdom.

We are entering a period of history where the cries of people throughout history are being answered and God is releasing revelation of Himself, the knowledge of the Living God, to His people. Thus the need for fathers and mothers is growing exponentially. Each of us ought to be willing to be a father or a mother to those who come after us… to walk in a “spirit of adoption” (Romans 8.15), just as we have been adopted, and to empower those who are newly birthed into the realm of the Most High God.

Malachi 4.6 says, "He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse." The “he” is the spirit of Elijah...the Forerunner spirit, which also speaks of John the Baptist (Luke 1.17). This is a verse of promise because it assures that the hearts of the fathers and the children will be reconciled… that a culture of honor would be restored.

But then there’s that phrase, the one we leave off the end because it’s not the warm fuzzy type: “so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse.”

To live apart from the way of the Lord is to empower a curse…and not just any curse. This one is spoken by the mouth of the Lord. That’s scary.

Thus, this loaded verse becomes two-fold: First, when we honor our fathers and mothers (physical and spiritual) as well as walk in a spirit of adoption in becoming a father or mother to those “begotten through the gospel” (1 Cor. 4.15), we walk in a Forerunner spirit which prepares the way of the Lord – it cultivates the presence of the Lord and paves the way for the return of Christ. Secondly, if we leave those born into His church through the gospel of Christ to wander on their journey without discipleship, without a father or mother in the spirit, we open the door for a curse to fall upon us… one that affects the very ground we walk on.

As it stands, this generation is left doing one of two things: asking “do I have what it takes?” or making foolish decisions out of youthful zeal. Where are the fathers and mothers who will provoke, lead, and empower a generation to utterly surpass them in the Lord?

Those we lead should ultimately walk in a greater reality in God than we did because we got the breakthrough for them. Our ceiling should be their floor.

May they arise like Ezekiel, to call forth a generation as dry bones to become an army. May those who have never experienced what it means to have a father or mother, in the physical or the spiritual, know what it means to have the Lord meet the needs in places where we have failed. May the Lord restore the years the locusts have eaten and may we walk in all that He has for us.

I hope desperately that Christians become consumed by a spirit of adoption, both in the physical and the spiritual, so that as the Lord ends abortion in our land there are people to take in those unwanted blessings, and so that as the Lord begins to encounter lives and bring many to Himself there are fathers and mothers to show them what it is to walk in the fullness of their inheritance.

Coffee and People... Two of my favorite things.

2009-09-27T20:11:00.001-07:00

I was at a wedding this afternoon - Jake and Ali Bland - and that meant that I got to hang out with a bunch of people I hadn't seen for quite a while and just generally socialize and be a "people person." What was great about it was that there was coffee at the reception, which only encouraged my enthusiasm.

Mmmm...coffee.

Anyway, I was wonderful privilege of conversing with one of my favorite people in the world (and I'm not exaggerating): Beky Smith (or Bexter, her "stage name" :)

She's one of my favorite people on the planet for a lot of reasons but primarily because she is so uniquely herself and because she possesses creativity and an eye for beauty unlike anybody I've ever met. (Check out her photography website @ http://www.purecaptivation.com)

There were a lot of people at this wedding who are very dear to me, and many of them were asking what I was up to these days, which is adult-speak for, "Do you have a job yet and what are you doing with your life?" I didn't have much of an answer for them. In fact, I don't have much of an answer for myself. Dan Learned asked me the other day what I would do if I was totally funded for the next year to just do whatever I wanted with my time and answer. I'm pretty certain that I side-stepped the question.

Bexter, however, worded things a little differently. At one point she asked me, "What is your greatest dream?" What a wonderfully fascinating question. In the midst of all the discouraged confusion about where the heck I'm going next, this seemed to just get my heart racing. Why? Because I didn't even need to think for more than six-thousandths of a second to know the answer...my heart just immediately leapt.

Sometimes we get so focused on just "getting by," or doing what others want/expect us to do. Parents can be a big source of pressure. I'm not even going to rag on mine... I've been really refreshed at how much (especially my dad) has really just let me search out my place. He keeps the question at the forefront of my mind and I know he really wants me to have it figured out, but I know that he means well and that he wants me to be successful and happy. I have no doubt about that.

This is the biggest one though: I think we get so focused on "obedience" sometimes that we leave our dreams and desires on the chopping block of personal holiness.

Here's what I mean: We treat ourselves like slaves of God and constantly want Him to tell us what to do next. I don't know how many times I've prayed, "God, just show me what to do next, show me where to go and to be and I'll do it in a heartbeat!!" And I would too. And the Lord knows that... and He loves my willing and genuine heart. But God isn't looking for slaves.

He's after lovers. He's after children. He's after Kings and Queens.

He created us with desire in our hearts for certain things... this is part of the idea behind the "Body of Christ." Unity doesn't mean uniformity. The Lord has made each of us so incredibly differently, so complex and so extravagant. He's given us dreams and desires that each have a role in "tending the Garden" (Genesis 1), i.e. being the rulers and royalty over the domain of the earth and offering our creative expression to the area in which God has given us authority and thus entering into interaction and communion with the Living God. This was Adam and Eve's role in the Garden of Eden. This was man's task from the very beginning.

The Lord values interaction over obedience. Augustine said, "Love God and do as you please." The reason this works out unto obedience in the long-term anyway is because the heart wrecked with Love for God and in the Love of God is the heart that will naturally and effortlessly please God, thus walking in obedience to the Heart of the Father, as opposed to the Command of the Law. (Again, Communion is superior to slavery.) Thus her question awakened something within me again to go after the dreams He has placed in my heart, however impossible and overwhelming and beyond me they may seem.

Since Beky and I don't really cross paths anymore, we made a little covenant together that we would each make an effort to contact the other at least once a month to catch up on things and encourage one another. Thus, she made sure I knew that the answer to her question had to wait until the next time we talk. (So yes, Bexter and anyone reading, you will have to wait at least a month for the answer.)

She also commented on this blog, which surprised me a bit. I get comments or such on the site every now and again, and maybe I've gotten a few verbal comments before, but for some reason her encouragement stood out to me. She just simply said that she reads it a lot and that there were a lot of times when she was really encouraged by something I had written. Somehow I knew the next thing that was going to come out of her mouth.

"Have you ever thought about writing a book or something?"

There it was. I cannot even begin to recall how many times someone has said this to me. I've know ever since I was pretty young that I loved to write. And though I didn't know it then, I had some relatively prohpetic dreams about it for most of my pre-teen years. I had reoccuring dreams about writing. In them, I would be sitting at a little desk with paper in front of me and a pen or pencil in my hand, except the writing utensil was about 35 times bigger than a normal pen or pence. I always thought this was funny. Now I see the significance.

When I was trying to figure out what to do with my life (easy, right?), my dad even asked me if I had ever thought about trying to write a book or something. I'm glad I had a seatbelt on or I would have fallen out of the car. I was shocked. This was very out of character for my dad. (What was funnier was my mom's comment: "What if he actually takes you seriously?!")

I've known for a while that the Lord has called me to write, though I'm not sure how or in what capacity or to what end... so until that time I'm just going to write. Feel free, any who are reading, to keep me accountable to it. I've scheduled a few times a week into my calendar to write and I'm going to do just that: write. So while I realize I'm sort of rambling at this point, I'm ok with that, because if you're still reading, then I'm doing something halfway write (haha, write/right...get it??).

Wow... so many back-logged thoughts... this should be fun.

Lord, I'm sorry I haven't really been faithful to this ability and passion you've given me. Give me the discipline and grace to be faithful to the end.

Love.

2009-09-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

From The Imitation of Christ:

“Love is a great thing, yea, altogether a great good. It makes light everything that is heavy and it bears evenly all that is uneven. For it carries a burden which is no burden and makes every bitter thing tasteful. The noble love of Jesus drives a man or woman to do great things and stirs them to always long for what is more perfect. Love wills to be on high and not to be kept back by anything low or anything mean. Love wills to be free and is strange from all worldly affection, so its inward sight may not be hindered; that it may not be entangled by any temporal prosperity or by any adversity subdued. Nothing is sweeter than Love. Nothing stronger, nothing higher, nothing wider, nothing more pleasant, nothing fuller or better in heaven and earth, because love is born of God and cannot rest but in God above all created things. A lover flies, runs, and rejoices. He or she is free and is not bound. He gives all for all and has all in all because he rests in One highest above all things, from whom all that is good flows. He respects not the gifts but turns himself above all goods to the Giver. Love often times knows no measure but is fervent beyond measure. Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility, for it thinks all things are possible for itself and all things are lawful. It is therefore strong for all things and completes many things, brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down. Love is watchful and, sleeping, slumbers not. Though wearied, it is not tired, through pressed it is not straightened, though alarmed it is not confounded, but as a lively flame and burning torch it forces its way upward and securely passes through all. If any man love, he knows what is the cry of this voice, for it is a loud cry in the ears of God - that ardent affection of the soul when it says, ‘My God, the object of my love, Thou art mine, and I am all Thine.’”

Transition

2009-08-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

...is such an uncomfortable thing.

Today was my last day at Normandale, the church I've been the youth pastor at for the last four years. (Well, it didn't really start that way. It all sort of happened by accident. I started as the sunday school teacher with 4 or 5 kids and next thing I know I have a full-blown youth group... agggh!!! help!!)

For a while now, the Lord has been showing me that it was time to move on. I didn't (and still don't) know the next step, but I knew that it was time to step out of that role. Sort of like God telling Abraham to "leave, and go to a land that I will show you." Uh... well where am I going? "I'll show you." ....right.

So today was the day when that became reality: stepping out of what I knew, out of what was comfortable and familiar, and into that which is completely and entirely unknown to me.

I have mixed emotions about it all.

Part of me is excited to be heading into something new. Part of me feels like I've just left my family and my children. Part of me is anxious. Part of me wants to know what's next. Part of me is terrified to know what's next.

There are a few options on the table, but literally nothing is certain in any way. It's as if every detail of my life could change in a moment based on any number of things. Transition is really uncomfortable.

But that's been the story of this summer. Dealing with myself and the fact that I based so much of who I was on what I did... it's like I'm going through an identity crisis. And I'm clawing, fighting tooth and nail to get myself back into my disciplines... back into feeding myself on the Word and spending chunks of my day with the Lord just listening. Even fasting has been next to non-existent this summer.

All of this compounds to frustrate me even more. All of this drives me to be more upset at myself, to beat myself up and allow the accusation of being a failure or not good enough to settle in my heart.

Lately, the prayer of my heart has been, "Father, You loved me while I was still a sinner. You forgave me. You come and make me Holy." Unless He comes to do the transforming, I have no hope.

But I have hope. For it is Christ in me which is my hope of glory. And it is my joy that He loves me even in my weakness. That He sees past my failures, into the desire of my heart... He sees the cry of my heart to be Holy as He is Holy and He calls it real.

There is no greater joy.

So in the midst of this awkward, rough, often miserable transition, I place my hope and trust in the Lord, even if it is weak hope and weak trust... I place it in Him and ask Him to increase it.

"Father, come and make me Holy."

Wiring

2009-06-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

I hate wiring. I really do. I'm in the process of trying to get my motorcycle back up and running. It's a long story... basically I was going to replace the exhaust (that's it) and it turned into redoing most of the bike. Ugh. That's what you get for toying with an 82 Suzuki.

Anyway, the result of this is that I'm having to figure out wiring (which I hate with a vengeance). Fortunately, my dad is very gracious and has all kinds of fun toys to help figure out the mess. I have two reasons for not liking wiring: First, it's not mechanical. I can't see the electricity...it doesn't work like gears...it's not logical to me like that. Thus, I get shocked alot. It's really annoying. Second, it's messy. There is nothing ordered or organized at all about anything involving wires. It's an OCD nightmare.

Which is probably why this season of life is sort of irritating.

I've noticed a feeling I've been getting over the last few days... one day it was like every 30 minutes. For the most part, though, it's just this feeling in my brain that I get every so often... usually at least once a day. ...oh yea, and it's a glorious feeling...like a lightning bolt through my brain. It's grand.

I asked the Lord what it was and He responded, "I'm rewiring your brain."

This might explain a lot of the irritation I'm having with this season. Nothing is set or structured or organized. I keep getting shocked (haha)... but it's a good thing. It's a good season. Annoying sometimes... but good.

Barrenness.

2009-06-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

I'm being forced right now to deal with my own barrenness. It's not really fun at all.

I had this glorious idea that the end of college was going to bring this amazing new freedom to dive into the Word, to spend huge chunks of time with the Lord, and to simply focus my life more on Him... to sit and to hear His voice and His words.

College ended. Summer started. I skidded across the ground on my face.

This summer, in terms of content at least, is no different than last: I'm still in Tremont building fence on my family's horse barn and taking care of horses and such. Essentially the same responsibilities and tasks. Except last summer was a never-ending adventure in the Lord. I felt like Tom Sawyer, just going on adventure after adventure. Not this time though.

I guess in the midst of everything going on, I started to think it would just simply grow greater and greater, but as soon as summer hit instead of getting greater, it stopped completely.

And to be honest, I'm at a place in my life I've never been before (but I guess every single day is a place in life we've never been before... but that's beside the point). Until now, every single movement of my life has been structured for me. High school, jobs, even where I would go to college was already sort of a pre-determined decision. Who I hung out with and where I was and what I had to do was really structured. All I needed to do was to decide how I would spend my free time... which was easy because I didn't have alot, so I either slept or hung out with Jesus.

Not a hard decision to make.

But now there's no structure. Now nothing is decided for me. And now it's always something I'll do "later."

I'm uncomfortable with the lack of structure. I'm frustrated at my lack of desire for the Lord. I'm irritated by the things around me. I'm disappointed at my spiritual dullness (and even emotional... I really feel very little right now and I hate it.) And I'm terrified that I won't come out of it.

I can't live with mediocracy. I can't live on the fringes. I can't live doing a half-hearted "sunday christianity." But I feel as if that is exactly what I'm being sucked into.

I literally feel as if I am dying.

Jesus, raise me from the dead...wake me up.

Some Books

2009-05-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been asked by a number of different people in the past few weeks about books... I'm a read a pretty fair amount and often people I know will ask me to recommend a book or something for them to read. So, I'm posting these lists here... that way I don't have to think about it and write it all out multiple times (cuz, I mean, sheesh... who wants to think!?)

Ok, so there are three lists here... each from different "season" in my life, the first list being earliest and the last list being more recent. The books are in no particular order.

1. The Oath - Peretti
2. This Present Darkness (&) Piercing the Darkness - Peretti
3. When Heaven Weeps - Dekker
4. The Circle Trilogy (Black, Red, White) - Dekker
5. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer - Mark Twain

I know... I had the "hyper-spiritual" thing going and then Mark Twain shows up... oh well. I figure it'd rather be honest. Tom Sawyer was actually the first whole book I ever read... I think I was like 8 or 9. I found a copy that was my dad's... and it was actually his grandmother's or something crazy like that. Anyway, it was just so old that it fascinated me and and I ended up reading the whole thing. It reveals a lot of the adventurer heart in me.

Something, also, that I just realized was that I encountered a "war" of sorts in my reading. I read anything that fascintated me...if I read the first ten pages and didn't find it interesting I found something else. Frank Peretti was fascinating. And so was Stephen King. I read a whole lot of his books. ...I'm kinda fascinated now by this... Anyone who has any discernment knows that King's books are straight out of the "dark side." I remember getting like 3 books through his Dark Tower series and suddenly losing interest. (P.S. I do not in any way, shape, or form recommend reading any of that... its demonic trash.) I'm certain it was nothing less than the Lord's grace that I lost interest in those.

Then I hit my mid-late high school years:

1. Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis
2. Barbarian Way - Erwin McManus
3. Four Pillars of a Man's Heart - Stu Weber
4. Wild at Heart - John Eldredge
5. Epic - John Eldgedge

Barbarian Way and Epic basially gave me permission to be utterly and recklessly abandoned to the Lord. Four Pillars began to teach me what it meant to truly be a man of the Lord, and Wild at Heart forced me to deal with many of my own wounds and desires so that I could walk rightly in my wild heart. Screwtape Letters gave me a look into the nature of temptation that simply fascinated me... I wrote my senior paper on that book.

And then I hit college...whoa:

1. Heavenly Man - Brother Yun
2. Rees Howells, Intercessor - Norman Grubb
3. Pursuit of the Holy - Corey Russell
4. Apostolic Foundations - Arthur Katz
5. The Radical Cross - A. W. Tozer

I will warn you with this: Those five books above are like powder kegs. They will screw your life up in the most glorious possible way. But read them with caution... not the "these books are bad" caution, but the "holy crap I'm playing with an untamed lion" sort of caution. I'm relatively certain that at some point or another I threw each of those books across the room in frustration.

How glorious...

My list of "to read" books contains some of the following:

The Cross of Christ - John Stott
Twilight Labyrinth - George Otis
The Weight of Glory - C.S. Lewis
...absolutey anything by Tozer...
Lead Like Jesus - Blanchard
...plus a whole gaggle of Peretti and Dekker books I haven't gotten to yet.

One thing I will say is that I don't read as many books now as I did early on in life... I read pretty selectively. I don't usually read something unless I feel a real tug in my spirit to read it... the vast majority of my reading time is spent in the Word. I'm not gonna lie... I've become a whole lot more fascinated by Scripture itself than anything else. Don't get me wrong; there are times when I'm utterly bored out of my mind and I'm going, "Lord what's the point of this?!" But it's the intrigue of it all that keeps me coming back for more.

The Word of the Lord truly is life... it is Living Water. Don't ever substitute anything else for it. All the Dekker and Peretti books in the world (as much as I love them) cannot give life to your spirit like the Word of God can.

I think my favorite books of the Bible are, but not limited to (I tend to start calling any book of the Bible I get really into my "favorite"): Song of Solomon, Isaiah, Hosea, John, Revelation.

Speaking of which, I think I'm gonna go do that now... you should too :)

rj.

State of the Bride.

2009-04-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

I just read an article on CNN.com about a minister who converted to Islam.

Ok, that I really would just read right over, simply because most of the people in the church today are cultural Christians and it seems that more and more "ministers" are just smart people who decided to put a religious twist on it... there's no Holy Spirit in it, so the whole thing is dead. So the first part didn't really suprise me. The second part, however, did.

She wanted to be both Muslim and Christian (while still remaining an minister in a particular denomination) and didn't see the problem with that in the slightest.

HHHHHEEEELLLLLOOOOOOOOO!!????!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Somebody please tell me you see the problem with this...

Seriously... something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Did you hear me?? WAKE UP!!!

SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG!!!!

When our ministers and pastors don't believe the stuff they're preaching, something's off... and it makes me ask serious questions of the institutions that ordained and educated them. I am terribly skeptical of seminaries and people who aced through them (I call them cemeteries). If the people at the front of the room aren't walking this stuff out, what does that say about the people they're leading?? This is why Jesus is right, as usual, that not everybody who claims to follow Jesus will enter His kingdom (Matt 7.22-23). Not everybody who shows up and sits in the pews is "in" and the people behind the pulpit have even more scrutiny to endure.

If I even need to begin to explain why this woman is out of her mind, not to mention completely blinded by the spirit of the age, I'll probably cry.

At the core of this whole thing stands one single gigantic figure: Jesus Christ. He is the figure who stands at the center of this, the entire Christian faith and all of human history. He is the Beginning and the End. Ephesians makes this incredibly clear: it's all about Him. Jesus Christ, in all His majesty and glory, will be the subject matter of all the ages.

This is what we have lost. This is the reason we live and breath (Eph. 1.7-10).

Inscriptions encircle the inside and outside of the Dome of the Rock, the Muslim site that sits upon the supposed site of the temple. On the outside are inscriptions about Allah and Muhammad and such. The inside is a different story. If you're a church-going person, picture this on the inside of your sanctuary walls or the walls of your meeting place accusations against other religions and declarations that things like Islam and Buddhism are false teachings. This is essentially the story of the inside of the Dome of the Rock. This inscription can be found there:

"The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' - Cease! (it is) better for you! - God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender. The Messiah will never scorn to be a servant unto God, nor will the favoured angels."

This is just a portion of it, but you get the idea. The underlying tone, and the one that has apparently succeeded in making its way deep into the roots of the American church is that Jesus was simply a good guy and nothing more.

Hear these words very carefully: Christianity and whatever other religion and belief system you may want to try to come up with are completely incompatible.

Completely and utterly. Humanism and Christianity are incompatible. The world and Christianity are incompatible. 99% of what is on television is incompatible with Christianity. In fact, you are incompatible with Christianity, but praise be to God for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We have this strange idea that God is so much less than He is (and the "we" I refer to here is Christians). We have this strange notion that God is pretty much cool with stuff here and that all that's really important to Him is that we love people (I say "love people" with as much sappy, hippie tone as I can muster, because that's the notion it's taken in our society) and help other people out.

In other words, be nice.

Sorry boys, that's not what Jesus said. And it's not gonna be the story when He returns to remove everything that does not stand with Him.

Reread that last sentence. I worded it very carefully. I didn't say He's going to remove everything that stands against Him, I said that He'd remove everything that isn't with Him. Big difference. There's no middle ground in the Kingdom of God. "Neutral" is a response in the negative in God's case. There is no such thing as neutral in the Kingdom of God.

You are for Him or you are against Him.

The things you take part in are either for Him or against Him. They either welcome His presence or push it away. Which one you want? I'll give you a hint: at the end of the day, it's all His and He's gonna come back to get it, so things will be a lot easier if you opt for welcoming Him. He paid a high price for His Bride and He will have her and He will remove everything that keeps Him from her.

It's time we wake up and return to our first love. It's time we wake up and see that something is terribly wrong. Matt 7.19-20 tells us that we will "know a tree by it's fruit." And in our case, there's no fruit to show. There is no evidence of the Spirit within our churches, there is no declaration of Christ, there is no deliverance from addictions and bondage, there is no meekness (all we have his weakness, and we're calling it 'meek.') We have no authority in the Spirit. We have no vision for fullness in Christ.

We sit through movies and don't think twice about the vulgar language or sex scenes, but then our friend starts to tell the waitress at a restaurant about Jesus (there's still people like that aren't there???) and we start to squirm and blush. We're so much in the world, clinging to a few nice ideas about God and heaven, that we don't even know there's more to this whole thing.

We have got to get a vision of fullness in the Lord. We have got to start walking in the things that we were created for. Only a few people are miraculously healed in Nazareth because of they had so little faith, and Jesus rebukes them for that. We, however, could be so fortunate (at this point) to aspire to being like Nazareth... for at least there were a few manifestations of the power of God there.

At least there were a few people for whom Jesus was absolutely everything.

Wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...wake up...

Wilderness... (New and improved)

2009-03-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Standing at the valley,
Looking deep beyond.

Vast and wild before me;
…Beckons me to come.

Life dances, flutters;
Colors leap and roll.
I can feel Your rhythm
Your pulse, Your pull, Your roar.

Your beauty shouts around me,
Gentle silence in my mind.
My heart it yearns to seek You out,
…Beckons me to find.

The journey: long
The road: hard
But my heart will have no other way.

Oh you vast, beautiful wilderness,
Your tree-top blankets; mountains of glory!
Your beauty slays me, leaves me breathless;
You've captured my heart, my One and Only.

Your beauty sends me spinning, dancing,
Twirling ‘round with hearts romancing.
Dancing here together we sing
Screaming loud the anthem rings
Declaring You Holy! Holy! Holy!
Declaring You’re Worthy! Worthy! Worthy!

Captivated here in glorious wonder,
While all my heart is rent asunder.
Captivated, Possessed, I’m wrecked in love.
For now and all time You’re the Only One
Who can ransom my heart, who can have all of me.
You’re the only who could ever be
The one that I long for, the one that I seek
You’ve shattered my heart in such sweet release.

I’ll go on forever here in this place
Abiding in love, dwelling in peace.

…Take me away to Your wilderness.

Laughter

2009-03-12T12:20:00.001-07:00

It seems that things are exponentially funnier when you're not supposed to be laughing.

I consider myself a pretty joyful person... I laugh (alot) and I have good reason to. I'm not always happy, but I'm rarely not joyful, at least internally. And to top it all off, I have a super dry, deadpan, sarcastic sense of humor. Which I think is absolutely hilarious. Not everybody thinks so.

Like right now.

I'm in class right now and I have this habit of only half paying attention. I'm reading this article about the 50 worst cars of all time. (You can read it here... this is the part that I started cracking up at.) The thing is, every time I even think about it, I start laughing again! And this is a class on existentialism... you're not supposed to be laughing. There's no laughing in philosophy! Haha....

It's the visual I get when it talks about the car "vomiting connecting rods all over the road.." (and even now, I'm severely choking back a laugh and my prof is lecturing right at me! aggh!!) I have an old MG, a lot like the car he's talking about and I'm in the process of restoring it... maybe someday I'll get it done. But I'm just picturing that rusted out old peice of junk yakin up a bunch of parts...ahahhahahahaha!!!

Oh man... who knew existentialism could be so funny....

Wrestling and a Matchless Embrace

2009-03-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest down-sides to the “information age” that we currently live in is the absence of wrestling with… anything. Thanks to technology, we don’t really have to know anything – we can pretty much just look it up (at least that’s how I got through college… shh, don’t tell my parents…). We do the same thing with Scripture (assuming we even read it at all – somebody forgot to tell me that Christians don’t actually read their Bibles, just pastors and stuff… would’ve saved me a lot of time). We read a verse, allow confusion a whole half-second before we glance down at the “ghost writer” notes in our Bibles or the latest commentary or whatever else so that they can impart some sort of uber-nice meaning to the verse and now we’re on our way. We don’t wrestle with Scripture at all! We don’t let it frustrate us and sort of bewilder us, but we should! That’s the very place where communion takes place! That’s where deep interaction with the Spirit takes place. That’s where we sit with Jesus and go, “Tell me what this means before I throw a hissy fit!” It’s so beautiful.

It’s like the disciples all sitting with Jesus at the last supper and He’s just told them that someone would betray Him. Normally, Peter would just ask (because he always acts/talks before he thinks) but he’s already in the dog house, so he says, “Tell John to ask Him.” And where is John? Leaning on Jesus chest, like a child in his father’s arms. Wrestle with Scripture. Wrestle with the Lord. It’s so beautiful.

I’m looking forward to seeing Jesus and remembering all of our wrestling matches. In fact, when I see Him, face to face (…I start to weep just typing those words… face…to…face… with my Jesus… oh, I could just stop writing and ponder that forever!) When I see Him face to face the first thing I’m going to do is kiss Him. His feet, His hands, His face…then we’re going to wrestle. No, I’m not kidding. Then when He goes to spend some time with somebody else, I’m going to go find a lion to run around and play with. Just you wait and see.

Isn’t that so beautiful? That Jesus is your Lord and King, the Supreme Ruler over all creation, and He’s also your Brother and your Lover? Are you in love with Him yet? Are you fascinated by Him? Are you captivated by His beauty? Caught up in the Divine Romance of the One who gave Himself for you and loves you, even to the very end? Are you longing for the day when you get to see Him face to face and gaze into those lovesick eyes and finally rest in His beauty and majesty? Holy God, in flesh, becoming what I am to make me into who He is… I’m crying again. I think if I keep writing I’m going to short the keyboard on my computer out. Yeesh…

Awake, Oh Sleeper: A Parable

2009-03-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Daniel stared blankly, suddenly aware of his surroundings and pretty confused at how he got there in the first place. He couldn’t remember in the slightest. The massive elevator was packed full of people, all with similar blank stares on their faces. The attendant was an older man facing them all with graying black hair and a sleepy look on his face, which didn’t move or change or react to anything that happened. He had a white coat on that reminded him of the coat his chemistry professor in college wore and he was holding a book that looked like some sort of terribly old legal text. A few minutes had gone by and nobody moved or said a word… He seemed to be the only one who was even aware of himself, and now noticing that everybody had a “Hello, My name is:” sticker on their shirt. He looked down at his: #3489.

“What the hell kind of joke is this?” he said out loud, realizing that everybody’s sticker was simply a number.

Nobody moved except the elevator attendant who merely glanced his direction and then returned to his previous stare. Daniel felt like he was in a bizarre dream. In an attempt to lighten the mood of the place he half joked out loud,

“So, uh… anybody know what floor we’re headed to or does this thing just go up forever?”

Nobody laughed. Or even flinched. Even as the words left his mouth, he noticed that the elevator had no buttons. The attendant was just standing by the door, doing nothing. Daniel turned to the woman next to him and waved his hand in front of her face. Nothing.

“Excuse me…” he said directly.

Nothing.

“Heelllloooooo” he nearly shouted, getting irritated now at the stupidity of the whole thing.

She turned to him with her finger over her lips, “Shhh” she said like a librarian, her facial expression never changing.

The attendant looked his way with a bit more expression this time, but then returned to his dormant state as before. Daniel was about to move through the crowed elevator to approach him when he heard another voice from behind him:

“Ok, look, that makes two of us now that want you to explain what's going on here…” It was an elderly man with a bold, authoritative voice and even bolder eyes, and it caught Daniel off guard.

“Shut up, old man,” the attendant said sarcastically, giving the old man a demanding look.

Daniel looked back at him, wondering why the old man hadn’t spoken up before. He looked at Daniel with a confident and assuring nod and motioned for Daniel to approach the attendant. Daniel turned with a pretend confidence and approached the operator, whose posture abruptly changed as soon as he began pushing his way through to the front.

“Excuse me, sir, but could you tell me where this elevator is going?” Daniel said, with all the political tone he could muster.

The operator looked at him with a sort of assuring and dreamy look in his eyes, “It’s going anywhere and nowhere, my boy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Daniel pressed.

“It means that it goes anywhere you want it to,” the attendant said, as if he was granting Daniel all of his wildest dreams. “It’s the ultimate freedom.”

Daniel, unsatisfied with the answer, tried to reason, “Ok, how about telling me where we started?”

“Nowhere at all…nowhere at all…” the attendant said in the same tone as before.

“What is this? Willy-freakin-wonka?!” Daniel burst, irritated at the obviously absurd answers he was getting. He regained his composure.

“Ok, maybe we started off on the wrong foot or something. Let’s try this again: Hi…my name is Daniel…” he started.

“…that’s not what your nametag says,” the man interrupted and retorted. His tone was different now; his eyes were angry.

The old man’s voice thundered again, “His name is Daniel and he asked you a question. I asked you a question. I demand you tell us where this God-forsaken thing is going.”

He was moving through the crowd and closer to the attendant as he spoke. His voice seemed to shake the elevator…Daniel even saw signs of life start to appear in the eyes of the other people.
The attendant tensed up significantly and his grip on the book he held in his hands tightened. Daniel could feel the tension between the two and backed out of the way. The attendant’s eyes narrowed towards the old man who was slowly moving forward, in a roar now at the attendant.

His eyes became more terrifying with every word he spoke.

“You are done just standing there while these people practically die on this elevator! Every one of them has asked you where this thing is going and you won’t tell them, well I have news for you, sir: I know where this thing is going…”

Suddenly, there was a flash of movement from the attendant and in nearly the same instant a bullet smashed through the forehead of the old man. He dropped to the floor, dead. Daniel stared in horror as the attendant slowly put the gun back inside the book he was holding, closed it slowly, and resumed his earlier blank, dormant stare.

God, have mercy.

2009-03-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

I’m screaming… screaming. I can’t stand this. I can’t begin to comprehend how Jesus must have felt with so many around Him not understanding or hearing a word He was saying. How hard to choose the way of the Father! I feel so small and insignificant in the midst of this downward spiral. I’m but a whisper in a hurricane. I have no words, only groaning and crying out: “Rend our hearts, God! Rend our hearts!!!” The state of things seems so overwhelming and so definitive. Everything screams, “Things will never change!” But they must… they must or so many will die.

Father, I trust you… I trust you because you’re a good Father. I choose now to believe your words… to believe that you are in control; that you are sovereign even over the wicked, even over the deceit of those who claim your name in word but deny you with their lives, even over the false messages being preached and taught. Oh, but how my heart breaks! How my soul in me turns over in despair for the ones being lost! For the ones being led astray! Anger and zeal burns within me towards those wicked and inflated men and women who are leading the masses astray, but Father have mercy on them! Father forgive them! Father, turn them from their ways! We are at your mercy, now more than ever… You alone are faithful… and You alone love, even to the end.

Eternity.

2009-02-25T22:57:00.000-08:00

"You have been raised up and seated with Christ in the heavenly places, therefore, set your mind on things above..."

Eternity has already begun.

I. will. never. die.

Grace, unspeakable.

2009-02-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

Child dancing in the rain.
Liquid grace soaks me deep,
Covering me. Washing me.
Tender mercies make me clean.
Daddy's there, watching;

...Smiles.

Into His arms as I run down the aisle,
Dancing, Laughing.
Spinning, Singing.
Deep embrace, covered in grace,
Under Daddy's loving gaze.
This great Love alone is true,
This is grace...

...This is grace.

So let it rain.

Holiness.

2009-02-16T10:06:00.000-08:00

Holiness is under attack.

…And it gets worse: the attack is friendly fire.

Think about it. More to come later.

Loneliness of the Saints: the nature of true cross carrying.

2008-12-24T22:08:00.000-08:00

"You cannot carry a cross in company. Though surrounded by a vast crowd, your cross is yours and yours alone. Your carrying it marks you as a man apart. No on is a friend to the man with a cross. This is the loneliness of the saints. Loneliness arises out of the constitution of our nature. The desire for human companionship is completely natural and right. Our God-given instincts cry out for companionship with others of our kind, who can understand our longings, aspirations, absorption in the love of Christ; and because within his circle of friends there are so few who share his inner experiences, he is forced to walk alone. The truly spiritual man is something of an oddity. He delights not to be honored but to see his Savior glorified in the eyes of men. His joy is to see his Lord promoted and himself neglected. He finds few who care to talk about that which is the supreme object of his interest, so he is often silent, preoccupied in the midst of noisy religious "shop talk." For this he earns the reputation of being dull and over serious, so he is avoided and the gulf between him and society widens. He searches for friends upon whose garments he can detect the smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia out of the ivory places (Psalm 45.8), and finding few or none, he, like Mary of old, keeps these things in his heart. His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else. He is likely to feel that he is the least of all men and is sure to blame himself for his loneliness. He wants to share his feelings with others and to open his soul to some like-minded soul who will understand him, but the spiritual climate around him does not encourage it, so he remains silent, telling his griefs to God alone."

- A.W. Tozer, The Radical Cross

What is a Prophet?

2008-12-24T22:04:00.000-08:00

"A prophet is a man who in a particular, earthshaking moment in his life knows himself seized and called by God, and now he can do no other than go among people and proclaim the will of God. His calling has become the turning point of his life, and there is only one thing left for him to do: to follow this calling, even if it may lead him into misfortune or into death. . . The genuine prophet is not the one who always cries peace, peace, and victory, but the one who has the courage to proclaim disaster, says Jeremiah (23.9). . . The central point from which one gains an understanding of the prophetic soul is the fact that the prophet knows himself in covenant with God, and this covenant makes his life a tragedy for him; because it is a covenant with God, the tragedy has an incomparable seriousness. The fact that the prophet is in covenant with God puts such amazing words on his lips; it makes him so fearsome, so unrelenting and raises him above everything that is understandable in human psychological terms. . . God tears up, breaks apart, and annihilates the spiritually harmonic image of human beings through which they let themselves be proclaimed. . . God himself affects the tragedy of the prophetic life, so that in this defeat of the human power, the claim, and the burden of the divine demand is brought clearly into the light."

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Barcelona, Berlin, Amerika

The Beginning (8/11/07)

2008-12-23T12:35:00.000-08:00

I stood at the edge…
Examined the worth,
Counted the cost…
Then leapt, for everything I was,
And everything I wasn’t.
Hell is unleashed
And Heaven waits in awe.
From one side come jeers and accusations,
The other shouting, chanting: "Keep going!"
But I must have Him.
Everything within me longs for Him,
And I'll stop at nothing to get to Him.
Yes, I have died…I am dying…
And for the first time, I'm living.

This is only the Beginning.

Yelling at the Church.

2008-12-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

I want to yell at the Church. I want to barge into her room screaming with a bull-horn to wake her from her slumber. It's not just that she's sleeping, but that she claims to be in love with her Husband… yet, she's found sleeping on her wedding day. Her garments are not ready. Her heart is not prepared. She sleeps, with other lovers dancing through her head, with complete disregard for her coming Husband and the dowry - the price - He has paid to have her. It has cost Him everything… His very life. Yet she sleeps. And so I want to scream. I want to grab her and shake her to sobriety. Because I can hear the sound of the Bridegroom. He approaches, yet she slumbers. I can hear the hoof beat of the horses of His coming.

The Lion will roar...

He's coming.

2008-12-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

Conversations all around me. I'm in my own little world. They think I'm lost, but I see…I hear… more than they know, more that what greets the eyes. I see Everything. I hear All. I take it in like a sensory symphony. I'm a stranger among them. A member of a different club; citizen of another world. Alien would be appropriate. My values and virtues aren't theirs. Not even close. Not a defensive mechanism or a passive system, but an offensive standard. Not "don't do this." But, rather, "be this."

Holy.

Holy.

Holy.

Offensive holiness. Burning the eyes, confusing the mind. Drawing ridicule and amazement alike. Some don't even know the difference. Singing "Heal me…" and not even believing they're broken.

The whole system is broken.

Shattered, collapsing onto them and crushing artificial life from their lungs. We have yet to breathe. Yet to see or move. We have yet to know freedom, to even sing a song.

A Song.

A song that flows like a river. Our lives as a song…life as sheet music. A thousand choruses proclaimed at once. Multitudes of notes, proclaimed from one mouth. Oh, we have yet to live.

Yet to live.

Yet to live.

Living where it's just Him and I. Just Jesus and His Bride. Alone in His eyes. Alone in that gaze of fire. A jealous flame, living, breathing… pulsing to the heartbeat of God. Jealous. Zealous for one. One thing. One affection. One desire. One pursuit: The One who possesses Heaven and Earth…holds all things together by His very being. And He has set His eyes of fire, His desire, on me. On us. On His Bride.

Jealous.

Zealous.

Fire and Passion.

Pure, Holy hatred for all that separates Himself from Her. And it all by her own choosing. Her own harlotry. A whore caught in the act. Yet He loves.

He loves.

He loves.

He loves.

To the very end.

In No Strange Land, by Francis Thompson

2008-11-25T09:20:00.000-08:00

The kingdom of God is within you

O world invisible, we view thee,
O world intangible, we touch thee,
O world unknowable, we know thee,
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee!

Does the fish soar to find the ocean,
The eagle plunge to find the air--
That we ask of the stars in motion
If they have rumor of thee there?

Not where the wheeling systems darken,
And our benumbed conceiving soars!--
The drift of pinions, would we hearken,
Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

The angels keep their ancient places--
Turn but a stone and start a wing!
'Tis ye, 'tis your estrangèd faces,
That miss the many-splendored thing.

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder)
Cry--and upon thy so sore loss
Shall shine the traffic of Jacob's ladder
Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross.

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,
Cry--clinging to Heaven by the hems;
And lo, Christ walking on the water,
Not of Genesareth, but Thames!

-Francis Thompson

A Falling Sky.

2008-11-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

The sky is falling down to earth
To watch it break;
The vision before me is, I think,
More than I can take.
But the world moves on
Towards a loss of Wholly heart;
Standing at the edge of new beginning,
While the world unseen slowly falls apart.
This is the era of destruction
Where hell breaks loose
…and no one cares.
They tighten their own noose,
Willingly take the leap,
Only to find escape is gone
And see things Holy on the other side.
Standing before the One.
The unheeding ear
Will spin in regret,
For we know that Light shines through the darkness
And darkness can never, ever, overcome Him.

Eyes

2008-11-11T15:48:00.001-08:00

Mystery in the Eyes.
Proclamations wholly undiscovered.
Vulnerable. Violent. Tender...
Pulsating with fire and mystery.
Eyes, exchanging words a voice never could,
Using words never to be uttered.
Where words and thoughts have failed,
the Eyes succeed;
Moving kings, nations and empires.
The Eyes are the window to the soul…
What is the object of their formless affections?
What mystery do they speak, even now?
Of what source are these declarations?
Whence do they crying out?
Deep calls out to deep,
As the Eyes proclaim their mystery.
Continual discovery,
Where stars and galaxies dwell…
In Your Eyes.

The Nature of Longing.

2008-10-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

Shadows seem to come to life,
In flick'ring candles' dancing light.
Makes it easier (or so it seems)
For the heart to embrace the night.
Embracing loneliness...
I let it hurt,
As I long to feel
The Lover's heart.

It's nights like these that
This big house gets so lonely.
As the rain comes down
And I'm left wishin' I wasn't the only
One here eating this meal
As the candle light strains,
And so does my heart
While desire remains,
While I long to be
In mutual embrace,
But always only ever find
Completely empty space.

There's the rain, I hear it again.
Seems well fitting on a night as this,
When all seems dark, gloomy and cold,
And my heart feels forever alone.
The telephone rings like electric drugs,
The pain's away but it's only numb.
It'll be back, to churn the soul,
Like broken bones, heart grows cold.

It's a strange longing though,
At least with what I know.
Like there's someone watching me,
As if I'm not alone.
Like somebody's in the room,
Hurting here with me,
But I can't hold them in my arms,
Hear them, touch, or see.
Story of my life, though,
As I take it all in stride.
"Always the bridesmaid,
Never the Bride."
Is this how I'm destined
To live out my days?
In half-hearted love
And mediocre praise?

For deep in my core,
Something, it stirs.
Deep calls to deep
As desire burns.
Everlasting burnings;
Hunger that never fades.
Building like a symphony
That never goes away.
Desire unleashed,
Fury and fire.
Relentless and jealous
It never grows tired.
Yearnings and longings
So deep inside.
As Eternity within,
Touches the Divine.

Running to the Father

2008-10-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

One day I'm going to be in His glorious Kingdom. I picture myself standing in the woods, like the most glorious garden, with a newly resurrected body, fascinated with how it feels and looks… it's like electricity flowing through me. I'm completely captivated with it… until I hear a voice say my name. It's His voice…saying my name. I suddenly forget about this glorious new body I have, completely consumed with finding the source of that beautiful voice. I spin circles, frantically searching the trees around me… and then I see Him, there, behind those branches. He has the biggest smile on His face… He's smiling because He loves it when I find Him. At first I find it hard to even stay standing (and must say I'm a bit surprised that this kind of thing happens even in these new bodies). He just laughs a most joyous laughter as He watches me taking it all in… I'm so overcome and He just loves it. He loves it when His love overcomes me. Finally, I find my legs and, laughing and crying at the same time, race to Him… leaping into His arms like a child. I weep and weep and laugh and laugh… I can't figure out exactly what it is I'm feeling… It's like experiencing every good emotion at it's highest intensity, all at the same time. The embrace is matchless; incomparable to all else. And He holds me, like a Father holds His child… and I've found my rest.

Beauty in the Secret Place

2008-10-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

There's something about that which is hidden… something mysterious and mystical… something of true Beauty. It's as if it evokes desire… it drives us to wonder and awe, creating in us a marveling like nothing else that is known. This is the beauty of the saints. This is the beauty of those spiritual ones who have chosen to walk the ancient paths of hiddeness and solitude. Those who walk with hearts of absolute humility… their battle cry is for One Thing. Their motto is "He must increase, and I must decrease," and they never waver. The tendency is for people to desire to be seen and known… and it's a good desire… we were created with it. But, like so many other characteristics and desires, this to can be perverted. We get a little, and immediately choose to use it to self promote.

What is it about that which is not shared with anyone else, except the lover and the beloved? What is it that makes that intimate thing to beautiful? The hiddeness does something to it… something that is taken away if it is exploited outside of that intimate place. For example, if I were to write a song for my wife and it was a song I sang only to her, there is something beautiful about that in terms of our relationship, and it holds a sort of beauty that disregards all outside opinion. But if I decide that I'll sell the rights to the music and such, and go on the road performing it, it seems as if something is taken away… like something about that is being used. For it was the love for the other which actually bestowed the song, for if it had not been for the beloved, the song would never have been. So, in some ways, it is as much the beloved's as it is the lover's. To take that song out of the secret place seems like something of a treachery. As if the song is now performed for the sake of the song, and no longer experienced by the lover.

Let me be clear: The Lord has given us a ministry in which we are to minister to the people around us… but our primary place is at the feet of Jesus, to minister before Him first and foremost. If your ministry to others is music, then do it well. I would say though, that the trap most musicians would fall into is that of performing… the songs become for the sake of the people, and not the Beloved. Write for the Beloved in the secret place… and keep those songs there… until He tells you, "Go, that they may love me too…" The beauty of perfume and anointing oil is that it becomes wasted entirely on that person upon which it is bestowed. And theirs alone to use as they please. There is no end-product. There is no "result" other than the blessing upon that person to which it is bestowed. The anointing oil of Mary of Bethany achieved nothing that the church today would value. She did not feed the hungry… she did not help the poor…she did not multiply it… she wasted it. Plain and simple. This is the nature of the Secret Place of the Lord. Our lives poured out as oil at the feet of the Lord… wasted on Him.

This is what makes the Secret Place so terribly unnerving: it requires us to surrender. To stop. To be willing to not "produce." This does not sit well in our hearts, which are so bent on "success." When we hand our gift over, our tendency is to sit patiently for a moment, waiting… Then we start to get impatient. The we squirm a bit. We begin looking around as people begin to laugh. "Look at him," they say, "how worthless he's become. He's wasting all of those abilities and gifts and talents. Such a shame… He could have done so much." Now we're wondering if we've made some terrible mistake. Eventually, we become so bold as to take our gift back from our King, and, because he is so kind, He gives it without hesitation… for He would never impose on the nature of our Love for Him. He wants it to be pure and unmanipulated. So we go back to doing things "for" our King. And again, we're slaves… not friends or lovers… of our King.

In the Secret Place, we create an exchange that happens there and there alone. Nothing else can create this exchange… much like the intimacy of a husband and wife. Life does not come any other way. The truly blessed begotten life is that which is born out of intimacy and commitment. Love chooses daily to give itself. To wear a crown of thorns instead of a crown of gold. This is the secret place of the Lord, in which we choose daily to love Him because He first loved us, and we give ourselves as oil at His feet, knowing that it's not enough and will never be enough, and let love grow in the exchange between the Beloved and the Lover… from that place, Life is given. From that place Life is breathed into the soul and born. From that place our very life becomes a gift to the Lord, an offering unto our King, with which He may use as He pleases. For some, this may mean He chooses to keep right there… never letting them leave (like Anna…), for others they are sent out as prophets and apostles, that others may love Him too… but the gift is the King's to use as He desires. It is only here that we truly become His vessels.

Love and Adventure

2008-10-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

The deepest cry of my heart is for Love and Adventure.

I don’t even care about the details, the words in between,

Intimacy and adventure are everything I need.

My heart is stirred and awake with longing for You.

My heart is tender to Your ways.

Come to me Beloved. Romance my heart.

Let's dance to the rhythm of two hearts as One.

I in You. You in me.

I am Yours.

You are mine.

Divine Romance. Journey to Mountains.

Take me with You, my Beloved.

I want to be with You where You are.

Your love is my intimacy… and it's raw. Untamed. Wild desire.

Strong, unrelenting as the grave.

Jealous with fire for my heart. My mind. My body. My all.

Because You gave your all. Your infinite all.

Your beauty's my adventure. Never-ending in Light.

Nothing compares. Nothing. Ever.

Terrifying Beauty. Melting my frame. Burning my eyes.

Driving my emotions to the brink. It's all I can handle.

Lord, open our ears...

2008-07-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

Crying out

All around

Noise is building

Can you hear the sound?

Building, rising

Symphony of dark

But dawn is rising,

Redemption's part.

Perpetual Hunger

2008-07-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

Everlasting burnings

Hunger that never fades.

More and more and more

It never goes away.

Desire unleashed,

Fury and fire.

Relentless and jealous

It never grows tired.

Yearnings and longings

So deep inside.

Eternity within,

To encounter the Divine.

Who's dying now?

2008-07-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

While you sit, while you play

People hurt and people die.

It's a selfish heart,

That keeps you blind.

...So comfy there in your easy chair.

You'll plug your ears

And sing "la, la, la."

Yet pray to Him,

For peace and love.

You think it's a time

For singing and dancing.

You've no idea

That judgment's coming.

You've saved yourself

And that's all you care.

For all those dying

You're unaware.

Don't say peace,

When there is not peace.

Don't say love,

When you have no love.

A Garden.

2008-07-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

I am a garden enclosed.

Locked gates.

My fragrance arises,

Love waits.

Planted in the East,

Eden in time.

The tree of life dwells within,

The Root, the Branch, the Vine.

Deep within a river flows,

Living water.

By Your mercy and Your grace,

Glorious Father.

Tangled and snared,

Flowers doomed.

You bought me in Righteousness,

Life bloomed.

Hid beneath Your canopy,

No eternity lost.

To give you my garden,

No cost.

A garden enclosed,

Awaits its King.

Come to Your garden,

Over me sing.

And on the day,

We'll see Your face.

In the Garden we'll wed,

Oh that beautiful place.

So come into Your garden,

Set me as a seal;

I am Your desire,

My gaze is Your zeal.

Wilderness

2008-07-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Standing at the valley

Looking deep beyond;

Vast and wild before me

Beckons me to come.

Life dances and flutters

Colors leap and roll.

I can feel Your rhythm

Your pulse, pull, Your roar.

Your beauty shouts around me,

Gentle silence on my mind.

My heart yearns to search You out,

Oh, Beckon me to find.

The journey: long

The road: hard

But my heart will have no other way.

Oh you vast, beautiful wilderness,

Your tree-top blankets; mountains of glory.

Your beauty slays me, leaves me breathless;

You've captured my heart, be my One and Only.

Homo Factus Est ("And was made man")

2008-06-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

Come to me, Beloved,
Babe of Bethlehem;
Lay aside Thy scepter
And Thy diadem.

Come to me, Beloved;
Light and healing bring;
Hide my sin and sorrow
Underneath thy wing.

Bid all fear and doubting
From my soul depart,
As I feel the beating
Of Thy Human Heart.

Look upon me sweetly
With Thy Human Eyes
With Thy Human Finger
Point me to the skies.

Safe from earthly scandal
My poor spirit hide
In the utter stillness
Of Thy wounded Side.

Guide me, ever guide me,
With Thy pierc'ed Hand,
Till I reach the borders
Of the pleasant land.

Then, my own Beloved,
Take me home to rest;
Whisper words of comfort;
Lay me on Thy Breast.

Show me not the Glory
Round about Thy Throne;
Show me not the flashes
Of Thy jewelled Crown.

Hide me from the pity
Of the Angels' Band,
Who ever sing Thy praises,
And before Thee stand.

Hide me from the glances
Of the Seraphin, -
They so pure and spotless,
I, so stained with sin.

Hide me from S. Michael
With his flaming sword:
Thou can'st understand me,
O my Human Lord!

Jesus, my Beloved,
Come to me alone;
In Thy sweet embraces
Make me all Thine own.

By the quiet waters,
Sweetest Jesus, lead;
'Mid the virgin lilies,
Purest Jesus, feed.

Only Thee, Beloved,
Only Thee, I seek.
Thou, the Man Christ Jesus,
Strength in flesh made weak.

--Digby Mackworth Dolben

song of the broken hearted

2007-10-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

Before so many idols,
I went on bended knees.
To all the things that last a moment,
I lost everything.

My eyes, my mind,
my heart, my soul...

And I begged for restoration,
like a thousand times before.
The devil's fool, time and again...
tried to do it on my own.
There I stood before You,
kneeling at Your throne.
Condemned to die, guilty as Hell,
To the world I had conformed.

But this world has nothing for me,
there's nothing it can say...
No drink or drug or sensual lust
nor any other way.
So I cried for You,
I yearned in my heart...
My soul longed for You,
And I saw you from afar..
At world's end, Your glory flashed,
You met me where I stood.
I tasted those eternal waters:
death to all that's simply good.

Love so deep, so satisfying;
nothing else can touch.
Love that burns with fiery passion,
thirst that can't be quenched.
Love as strong as death,
unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
burns like a mighty flame.
My soul thirsts for you,
In a dry and weary land.
My body longs for you,
In a place like desert sand.

I cry out, "That they might know You!"
As the rain starts pouring down.
I cry out, "Reveal Your love!!"
I'm face-down to the ground.
I've never known this pain before,
Never felt this kind of burden.
While rain was falling, people laughing,
I prayed like the broken hearted.

Jesus, You love them...
Jesus, You love them...
Jesus, You love them...
Jesus, You LOVE them...
...Remember your love...

Remember the cross...
The terrifying beauty of that cross.

Joel 2

2007-07-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

1 Blow the trumpet in Zion;
sound the alarm on my holy hill.
Let all who live in the land tremble,
for the day of the LORD is coming.
It is close at hand-

2 a day of darkness and gloom,
a day of clouds and blackness.
Like dawn spreading across the mountains
a large and mighty army comes,
such as never was of old
nor ever will be in ages to come.

3 Before them fire devours,
behind them a flame blazes.
Before them the land is like the garden of Eden,
behind them, a desert waste—
nothing escapes them.

4 They have the appearance of horses;
they gallop along like cavalry.

5 With a noise like that of chariots
they leap over the mountaintops,
like a crackling fire consuming stubble,
like a mighty army drawn up for battle.

6 At the sight of them, nations are in anguish;
every face turns pale.

7 They charge like warriors;
they scale walls like soldiers.
They all march in line,
not swerving from their course.

8 They do not jostle each other;
each marches straight ahead.
They plunge through defenses
without breaking ranks.

9 They rush upon the city;
they run along the wall.
They climb into the houses;
like thieves they enter through the windows.

10 Before them the earth shakes,
the sky trembles,
the sun and moon are darkened,
and the stars no longer shine.

11 The LORD thunders
at the head of his army;
his forces are beyond number,
and mighty are those who obey his command.
The day of the LORD is great;
it is dreadful.
Who can endure it?

2007-07-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

I want to be a man of one thing. I want to live a life that revolves around that one thing. I want to pursue that one thing with every once of everything that I am. I want to abandon everything that keeps me from pursuing that one thing. I want nothing less than this one thing. I want nothing other than this one thing.

I want Jesus Christ and nothing else.

2007-02-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

life is really frustrating right now... in every aspect it's frustrating and i don't like it.

John 17.3

2007-01-28T23:38:00.000-08:00

Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

This is from John 17 where Jesus is praying for himself, his disciples, and future believers. The phrase "that they may know you, the only true God" almost knocked me over today in church. Eternal life = Knowing God... straight from Jesus.

And this isn't just like memorizing facts about God... noooo. This is like deep intimate knowledge. The word used for know is the same word that's used in the Bible to refer to a man "knowing" his wife. Among other things, the word is translated as "to come to know, to get a knowledge of, perceive, to feel."

I'm a fan of that last one. I want to feel God flowing through my heart... through my veins. I want to be wrecked over knowing God. I want Him to be my one true secret desire. ...to know His heart, what He's thinking, what He's seeing, what He's feeling... I want it to simply wreck me... make me so heavenly minded that I'm no earthly good. I want to see people I've never spoken to before and experience what God feels towards them. I want to feel how He feels about me... I desire a furious love affair with my Creator.

Who I am.

2007-01-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

I am unfaithful. A traitor. A betrayer at heart. I am proud. An adulterer and a thief. A cheater and a liar. I am not who I was created to be. I am an idolater. I've chased so many other lovers. I've defiled myself, body and mind. I claim to follow Christ's example, yet live as if You are not really Almighty God. I am dirty, sick, naked, and weak. I have nothing. I am nothing… apart from You. I am nothing… in light of You. I have intellectualized You for far too long. I have sought You with my mind, while my heart remained captivated by the world. I let mediocrity take me over… seduce me, drive me to complacency… rendering me useless. I have missed the awe of You, Lion of Judah. Your Word has been stale words to my mind because my heart has been gone. Doctrine and Theology fill my mind… but You do not. I have not let You. I have denied Your anointing on me. On others. I have hated and spoken spitefully. Even to those who love me. I have failed to love those around me. I am selfish and conceited. I've claimed for years to know You… when I've really only known about You. I am the man at the Wedding without wedding garments, I am one of the five virgins begging for someone else's oil. I'm a hypocrite and a fake. My heart is cold, my mind unreformed. I don't truly know and feel the forgiveness You give… it doesn't flow in my heart. I am unforgiving towards others. Your mercy and grace are foreign to me. I have not even begun to explore and embrace the depths of Your beauty. I have yet to let my sin, or sin in general, break my heart. I have yet to allow myself to be overcome by You.

But You make all things beautiful in time. In You, all things are a new creation.

StartingOver

2007-01-26T19:49:00.000-08:00

I've realized recently that I know alot about God, but I really don't know God. I've been pursuing what God wants instead of pursuing God. I've been doing things for God instead of being with God. So I want to start over. I am first going to come to terms with who I really am. No fluff... no nice anything... just brutal honesty. Then I'm going to do onething: pursue the knowledge of the living God. I will be a man of OneThing.

Sanctuary

2006-10-24T16:29:00.000-07:00

Walking through this place

With my arms stretched out wide.

Tiny cool drops of rain explode on my face,

Covering my body like your grace.

Silent and still it sits, waiting for me to enter.

The perfection of your creation,

The beauty of your touch...

This is my sanctuary:

Where I find you.

Where you are.

Where you speak to me best.

My place of peace and rest.

This is where I find you

with your arms stretched out wide,

Embracing me like a father…

Like your bride.

This cleansing rain falls,

Stirring up the air,

And creation hails you,

King of all,

It's scent is everywhere.

Your trees direct me skyward

To your throne.

And I can't wait until that day:

I'm home.

For now this is my place

In this still and silent night.

This is where I'll meet you,

Where everything's made right.

I'll breathe this air,

Cool and damp,

And be content to be.

Because for now, until I see you,

This is my sanctuary.

If you would just shut up....!

2006-10-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to take my own days of silence.

Recently, I've been wrestling with countless things... one of which is the fact that I feel like I rarely ever receive any clarity on anything from God.

Having thought about that feeling for a while, I think I've realized that I just talk too much. I need to stop and listen. Not just with my ears, but with my whole life.

I guess, looking at myself now, I look like one of those little kids who just keeps talking and talking and talking... and eventually you feel like screaming, "Shut up!!! Just for a second!" I know God isn't going to do that with me, but it makes my point. I think I just need to stop putting my two cents in everywhere I go, and instead just listen.

So I've decided to take two entire days, beginning tomorrow morning, to fast from speaking.

And not just being silent for the sake of being silent or going about it in a legalistic way (I can't speak no matter what...), but instead working on developing an attitude of silence... of listening. It's something that I used to do well, but now I'm so full of myself that I just like the sound of my own voice.

So it's time to shut up and listen.

Blue Man

2006-10-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, Jess and I went to see Blue Man Group at Briar Street Theater in Chicago. Jess bought me the tickets for my birthday (which was in August, but we had both just gotten home from crazy summers, so it got slightly overshadowed... she didn't forget, it was just way too crazy to do anything. And, since I'm a great boyfriend, I didn't really mind that it was two months late.)

That being said, it was well worth the wait. It was by far the coolest show I have ever seen. Everyone on earth should see it. It was more of an experience than a concert or performance. I'm left wondering why we couldn't go see that last semester with my theater appreciation class. It was way better than, say, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Yea... shoulda seen Blue Man.

The show involved sweet percussion instruments, lots of paint, twinkies, blue men climbing through the crowd (literally), fire extinguishers, strobe lights, acronyms, lessons in rock moves, and hundreds of paper towel rolls. Yes, it was amazing. I laughed so hard during the first half that my face hurt.

Then, after the show, Jess and I had even more fun. First we see what looked like a drunken fight on the sidewalk (ok, that doesn't classify as fun... just dumb), then a chicken walked by.

Someone dressed in a chicken suit was walking down the sidewalk carrying a briefcase and clucking at people.

Then the five point intersections... those explain themselves. I swear somebody must have been really doped up when they designed those things.

And lastly: I-90. Yes, possibly one of my favorite roads in the country. And definately as close to a race track as you'll ever get on a highway. I love the 5 lanes of bumper-to-bumper, 80 mph madness... It just really makes me happy. (Seriously... I love driving that road. Minus the screeching halts for no reason.)

Moral of the story: If you've never seen them, go see Blue Man Group.

There are no words

2006-10-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

God I have no words for you…

Nothing I can offer to glorify your name.

Nothing that is worthy of you

That will live up to your fame.

All I have is these arms spread wide

Reaching out to you.

All I have is desperation…

Nothing else will do.

I'm desperate, Lord,

Desperately waiting to touch your heart.

I'm saddened, God,

That every time I fall apart.

Forgiveness?

2006-10-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

How does one forgive?

I mean really, genuinely forgive?

I currently am in a situation where forgiving is not something I really want to do. In fact, I don't even see how a person could. I've grown to hate this man in ways I never thought I could feel towards another living person. I brushed it off before as something I didn't need to worry about.

But I should be severely concerned with it.

I should be concerned with it because it haunts my mind every day. I haven't let go, so it sits… each day, waiting for the opportunity to reduce my mind to a shaking mass of rage and hate…

I know there will be no peace until I have dealt with this in every way I should.

I realize that this is exactly what Christ has done for me. I am a liar, a cheat, a thief, an adulterer, a murderer, an idolater… everything that is unholy and unrighteous. Christ has forgiven me of more than I have yet to forgive myself for. In short, Christ has forgiven the unforgivable.

But how do I do that?

How do I forgive the Unspeakable?

I physically cannot comprehend that kind of forgiveness. So really, I don't even understand the full weight of my own forgiveness and salvation. My prayer has been that God will change and soften my heart… that God will somehow allow me to come to a place that can understand and forgive this person. But maybe what I should be asking for is that God would allow me to come closer to allowing me to understand my own salvation, and from that place, make it easier in my heart to forgive others… no matter what the situation.

Because if I don't really understand what God has done for me, how then can I go tell others about it?

Science

2006-10-13T02:54:00.000-07:00

It's been determined that if I sold my brain to science, they would almost certainly ask for their money back. That's funny... especially at 4:50 in the morning.

2006-10-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

"What I seek is knowledge of the true meaning of things. Of necessity, therefore, I must inquire into just what the true meaning of knowledge is. Then it became clear to me that sure and certain knowledge is that in which the thing known is made so manifest that no doubt clings to it, nor is it accompanied by the possibility of error and deception, nor can the mind even suppose such a possibility. Furthermore, safety from error must accompany the certainty to such a degree that, if someone proposed to show it false - for example, a man would turn a stone into gold and a stick into a snake - his feat would not induce any doubt or denial. For if I know that ten is more than three, and if someone were to say: 'No, three is more than ten, as it is proved by my turning this stick into a snake' - and if he were to do just that and I were to see him do it, I would not doubt my knowledge because of his feat. The only effect it would have on me would be to make me wonder how he could do such a thing. But there would be no doubt at all about what I knew!"

- Abu Hamid Muhammad ibn Muhammad al-Ghazâlî

If we are to truly understand who we are, we must understand what bread can and cannot do.
- Ravi Zacharias

Or...

2006-09-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

don't say anything... that's cool too.

I want to get inside your head...

2006-09-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

When I write something, I know what I'm thinking and what happens in my head, but I don't know what happens in yours. SO... I'd like to get into the heads of whoever is reading these posts and know what you think. If you've read the two posts previous to this, post a comment and let me know what goes through your mind. I don't want to you to tell me if you really liked it or really didn't, but i want to know what it conveys to the reader... what does it make you think about? What realities does it bring up? Does it remind you of anything? ...it's open season really... just let me know what gets sparked in your mind when you read it. because i don't know. I know what i'm thinking, but i want to get inside your head a little bit... just for fun. Thanks.

Part one is below. That means this is part two.

2006-09-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

The pressure on his chest grew. The physical pain he felt was growing, literally like a knife in his heart. His head throbbed as if beaten with a club.

Physical force now accompanies the whisper.

"Don't even try it. You can't do it, so don't even try. And if you do, the beating will get worse… I promise."

He can almost see the dead, heartless eyes that are searing through him. He can hear the hate in the voice.

But now he knows that it's not his own.

As he sits, his computer haunts him like the ghost of christmas past. It stares him down like a soldier of shame and guilt. Every word he hears brings suspicion, laughing and jeering until his heart breaks from the weight. Every thought bleeds jealousy and contempt, leading him to irrationality and disorder. Ancient wounds gush open… their sting burning through his entire being.

The voice is no longer a whisper, but a force. A fury.

His heart lies shredded, limp in his chest.

"Is this really worth it?"

"You know it isn't… it hurts so much that it can't be worth it. Don't make this harder on yourself. My offer still stands. All you have to do is stop…"

"My options aren't that bad… I mean, I'm pretty good as it is. Most people would be happy with this… why isn't this good enough?"

John 3.16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have everlasting life."

The light shines, and the darkness cannot overcome.

Tears fill his eyes as liquid love flows over his being, filling his shredded heart, covering the open wounds.

He knows he's not fighting alone.

Instantly, the arrows fly. Hundreds of them. Every one hits it's target, a single being, with the force of a cruise missile. Each one sinking deep into its victim's flesh.

But this time, He stays standing.

A story.

2006-09-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

He listened as he drove; truth pouring from the speakers.

He knew he was wrong, and that things needed to change. He knew that it would be a long, tough road, but that it would be better in the end... he also knew it would be incredibly hard.

A whisper: "It's really not worth it."

"Maybe it's really not worth it... I'll worry about it later."

Truth continued to pour out and into his mind... words he needed desperately to hear. Words he didn't know he needed to hear, but they hit home nonetheless. These words, this truth, told him to fight. To fight for what was promised, his inheritance. They told him to get angry and stand up. They told him not to settle.

Another whisper: "You'll never get there."

"It's so hard… I would have to get rid of so much stuff… It's probably not worth it. I'll never get there anyway."

1 Peter 1.16 "As it is written, 'You shall be Holy, because I AM Holy.'" The address of the House of Power is Righteousness.

The darkness in his mind is so thick that the words pierce only small holes of light. But it's light nonetheless.

John 1.5 "The light shines through the darkness and the darkness can never overcome it."

War is declared.

The battle is on. The attack has begun.

Instantly, all the furies of hell are released upon his being.

Each time the truth draws closer, the fury of hell gets louder… the fighting more intense. The shots are more direct and painful.

It's all or nothing. There is no halfway now. All it takes is a one cell of cancer before the entire being is in jeopardy. He must clear the cancer… every last cell.

The first battle: Hell pierces him, like hundreds of arrows straight through his body.

He falls. Bleeding. Weak. Failing.

Light. "Stand up! Return to the battle! Grace is enough for you… now go FIGHT!"

A deal: "Stop fighting. You're never going to win this. If you surrender now, just stay down and don't get up, I'll stop shooting. Everything will be much easier for both of us."

But Righteousness means every last cell. Every one. Gone. Destroyed. No prisoners or survivors. Complete and utter destruction.

The Choice: Fight: Endure pain, failures, suffering, sacrifice… move towards Righteousness.

Play Dead: The shooting stops. No more attacks. Life is easy. No Righteousness.

How far will he go for the sake of Righteousness?

For some reason

2006-09-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

people like me. and I'm not sure why. I was talking to a woman the other night after Converge, and one of the Metamora adult leaders came up and said, "You know, you're talking to the most incredible guy in the world." Things similar to that have happened in the past few days and weeks... maybe I just notice it more now. I say this not as an attempt to flatter myself, but because I don't understand it. I, apparently, cannot see what they do. Or I'm not who they think. Either way, I appreciate the encouragement, but I have a very hard time agreeing with them. Even my people that I'm not all that close to will simply come to me and confide in me about what's going on in their world. They tell me the things they're going through and tell me they miss having conversations about that stuff with me when it's been a while. I don't understand what it is that draws them to me. I do my best to help them work through things or provide a listening ear for them... but I couldn't begin to tell you what it is that causes them to come to me. It's been that way for a long time... even since I was a little kid. My entire life it seems as though adults and people who I look at as authority or elders, seem to find favor with me and I'm not sure why. I don't see what the big deal is. I'm thankful, but I wonder what it is they see... because I don't see it. A few months ago, a man prophesied over me, and that was one of the first things that he said. "I see older more mature people, very talented people, perhaps wealthy people liking to be around you. I see favor wherever you go." And it's true. It's been true my entire life. But I couldn't even begin to imagine why....

2006-09-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

something big is about to happen.

too much has been going on. too many things are moving around and changing, like an army just before battle.

satan's attacks have been too great in number and too perfectly placed.

everything is crazy right now.

but i just have this feeling and i know it's true.

something big is about to happen.

when you just plain fail...

2006-09-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to take my little sister camping for a long time... it's something that I've really really wanted to do because I thought it would be a great way for us to be able to hang out and connect. She's busy with horses and she's always at the barn. And she just started high school, so she has all these new friends and new things going on... it's crazy. She's almost as busy as I am.

And that's the problem.

I finally decided that I was going to take her camping this weekend. I asked her if she had anything going on this weekend and she said "not really... just the football game." So I told her that we were goin camping after the game. She whined about wanting to sleep in her own bed and so on, but I told her we were going. Tonight I talked to her to make sure that we were still on, she said she didn't want to... she wanted to go to 5th quarter instead. 5th quarter is like the post-game high school hangout. She'd rather go see her friends, who she sees every single day, than go camping with me.

And so it hit me.

I've been so busy here at school, that I haven't even had time to connect with my brother or sister. My two best friends talk to them more than I do. That is sad. But when my own sister tells me, after I've been gone for an entire summer and missed out on two months of her life only to come back to school and miss the rest while I'm here, that she'd rather go be with the people who do actually connect with her... it makes perfect sense.

In some ways I feel like a stranger to her. I must be. I hardly talk to her since going to college. I see her every once in a while, but it's usually a short passing... she's on her way somewhere, I'm on my way somewhere... it never fails. So she told me no, she didn't want to go camping... we'd have to do it some other time. Which essentially means next summer because it'll be to cold for decent camping here in a month or so.

That hurt really bad. In fact, I just sat in shock... the realization of the aweful brother that I was had just fully hit me, and I wanted to cry.

She promised me that we'd go sometime, but I know it'll just be put off again by friends and business with school and horses... so that's basically it... I've failed as a brother to her.

And that hurts.

Liver with a side of dream.

2006-09-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day when I got a phone call from my mom. I almost didn't answer it... but I changed my mind at the last second. My mom was calling to tell me that she had just found out that her liver was about 4 times the normal size... it had swollen up stinkin' huge and she was going to have some test to find out why.

She was terrified that it would cancer or a tumor... cancer runs in her family quite a bit.

As I'm sitting on the bench and hearing this, I'm silently thinking, "Great... thanks God. This is just what I need... something else on my mind to stress me out. As if everything else isn't enough..."

I hang up the phone and my friend judges the look on my face and asks what's wrong. I begin to tell her. I get about half of it explained to her and she stops me... her exact words are "so you're not going to believe me but a few months ago I had a dream about your mom... she was having liver problems. I remember it perfectly. You were telling me about it and she had to have tests done and stuff... but don't worry, she's fine."

I looked her dead in the face not sure if she just had a really bad sense of timing as to when to play a joke on someone or if she was actually serious. Turns out, she was very serious. But it took me a while to believe her. I didn't even tell anyone about it until the whole ordeal had been worked out a little more.

They ran some tests on my mom and did a scan of her liver... everything's fine and clean. Turns out she just has the liver of a horse or something. It's just really huge. The doctors said it's fine but that they would just keep an eye on it to make sure. Once I had heart that news from my mom, I immediately thought about my friend.

I realized how bold that statement was for her to make. My mom could have had cancer in her liver... cancer in general is something that runs in her family a little bit. It could have been a tumor of a hundered other things... but she said, "Your mom's fine... don't worry."

She had no way of knowing but made the statement anyway.

I was really shocked at that. She said it's not uncommon for her to have dreams like that... she dreams about things and then it basically happens. Not a ton, but it's happened a few times. What? I've never ever experienced anything like that or had anything to do with anything like it.... it's amazing. I told her she better start sleeping with a notebook.

God's so cool about the different way he reveals things to different people. I told her she needed to claim that. It was a serious legitimate gift, and she needed to claim that and not let anyone or anything tell her any differently. That's a gift. And it's awesome.

And my mom... she's fine. And my friend: she sleeps with a notebook now. (I think, haha).

Fighting for Restoration

2006-08-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been praying differently. Much differently. Jess continues to have problems with her legs and the doctors still have no clue what's going on. I'll spare all the details because it is a long story, but to sum it all up she's got compartment syndrome in her leg muscles, the veins in her legs are small so circulation is bad, a vascular disease (acutally, the doctors are still arguing about that one), neuropathy in her limbs (arms and legs), and they can't figure out what's causing the neuropathy... which is fairly significant. This all has huge effects because her legs go numb all the time and it affects the way she feels things.

I had been praying before that the doctors would figure out what was wrong... that they would be able to find something to fix her legs... you know, all the normal things we would pray. In the last few weeks, I've begun to feel very compelled to stop praying like that. Forget the doctors, they don't have a clue. Forget the tests, they're not working. Forget it all. Maske (that's pidgin english). Not only have I felt compelled to stop asking for those things, but I've also been compelled to ask for something more:

Complete Restoration.

No scars, no pills, no tests, no doctors... restoration back to the way she was made to be... the way God created her.

Normally, I wouldn't pray like this. It's been stretching for me as it is. I've had times before when I wanted to pray like this, but I definately never said anything to anyone about it. I mean, what if I'm wrong... what if it doesn't happen? But now I'm realizing that it doesn't matter. It won't happen if we never ask. And if we have no faith, then we might as well not ask.

I believe it's going to happen.

It may be in 2 days, or in 10 years. But it's going to happen. And I'll be asking for it every day until it does.

I read something one day that struck me a little funny. Malachi 1.2-3 tells about how God loved Jacob and hated Esau... what? Last I checked, Esau was the good on, and Jacob was the bad one. Jacob was the decietful one and Esau was like the perfect oldest child who does everything right. Esau would have been the kind of kid who was the most popular in school... the one everybody loved. Jacob would have been the center of controversy. Why did God love Jacob and hate Esau. It's even quoted again in Romans.

Here's what I think: Esau was complacent, Jacob was not. Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of soup. He didn't care. Jacob on the other hand was going to get everything that had been promised him. At one point he wrestles with God, because he wants God to bless him. God has promised him something, but it hasn't been given yet... Jacob was going to keep going until he got what he had been promised. That's why God loved Jacob. He wasn't complacent. I look at it like this: If you've been left and inheritance of a million dollars, and are only given 300,000 of it, what are you going to do? Esau would have just said, "ok, that's fine." Jacob on the other hand would have gone nuts until he got every last penny. Why? Because it had been promised to him.

That's the point. Not being greedy, but rather claiming what you've been promised. God says that as Christians we are all his children. We therefore stand to recieve an inheritance promised to us by God. When we claim those promises from God, he is faithful to fulfill those promises. But we should hold God to those promises. It's no fun to give somebody a gift when they don't really care if they get it or not. God doesn't want to give us something if we don't want it. We have to want it. We have to be willing to FIGHT for what God has promised us.

That's why I'm praying for 100% restoration.

Compassion and the lack thereof

2006-08-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

Something pretty significant that I learned this summer was that I severely lack in the ability to feel compassion or deep emotion. It's really strange. I'm a very logically thinking person, so I never really thought much about it. It wasn't until one day Mark came back from a visit to the hospital that it really hit me.

He had made rounds with the doctor (who was a very nice woman, but lacked in training... Mark is a third year nursing student and knew more than she did) and visited each patient with her. One of the last things they did was checking on a little girl who was buried alive on her first day on earth. She had been dug up by some kids who saw it happen and then brought to the hospital. Mark was looking on as they continued to struggle to figure out how to keep her alive. Mark said she was the most beautiful little girl he had ever seen. This whole thing really messed Mark up. Really. This was halfway through the trip, and he wasn't the same the rest of the time. He got his pictures developed at Walgreens when we got back and looked at her picture... I thought I might have to carry him out of the store. This whole thing struck me because through it all, I felt nothing.... nothing at all.

This caused me to take a much deeper look at myself. No matter how hard I tried to hurt for this little girl, I couldn't. I felt no compassion, no hurt, no emotion... Nothing. As I looked within myself, I realized that so often I felt nothing if it did not in some way, whether directly or indirectly, affect me. This, in turn, pointed me to a much deeper rooted shelfishness that I never knew I had. I was shocked to realize this. It felt as if I had been lied to for so long and had just realized that I was being totally blinded. I've literally analyzed every situation I can possibly remember in which I've even remotely felt emotion, and in ever one of them I was only feeling because I was being affected in some way.

What this has done to me is cause me to 1.) Look at people differently and attempt to put myself in their position, and 2.) Ask God to pour his emotions into me. I realize that this is a situation where I want to be careful what I ask for. Seriously... I think that if a person could completely feel what God feels, that person would just snap. Literally. They'd just spontaneously combust or explode or something. They'd end up in an institution to be sure. But God feels deep emotion. He created emotion... so it's not like emotions are bad. The thing that sets God apart, in this case though, is that his emotions do not rule him like they tend to in people. Like any good parent, they hate the act of punishing their children (like spanking them), but they know it must be done... they do it anyway, despite their emotions.

Praying for the ability to really, deeply feel God's heart has begun to open up a whole new world to me. In the past week, I've had more than once situation that I've found out something that was really crushing to me about someone I care about very deeply (more on that in the next blog). Through those times I experienced not only a deep hurting and literal un-comfortability (unable to be comforted), but also a joy that flowed from a place whithin me like I've never felt. I was simply being crushed (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) by what was happening- and I really felt that pain - but at the same time, I just wanted to sing. I wanted to dance. I wanted to thank God for all He had given me. I wanted to shout about the glory of God... and I can't explain it. I experienced two conflicting emotions at the same time... something I don't think I've ever done. And something like that changes you.

And I'm back... mostly alive.

2006-08-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

It's taken me a long time to update this because I pretty much hit U.S. soil running. I've been at a dead sprint for about the last two weeks... thankfully it's slowing down a bit. I can't even begin to describe the absolute insanity that was PNG. It was a summer that left me in a very different place spiritually from any I've ever been. I was challenged and stretched beyond anything I've ever experienced. It was more of an enduring summer than anything. Honestly, I spent most of my time there miserable from the conditions, frustrated with the people, and feeling hopeless because I couldn't see even the smallest thing happening as a result of our being there. But that was where I learned the most. That was where the biggest growth occured. I say that I was miserable much of the time, and I was, but I loved every second of it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, I'm pretty sure I will. Maybe not to PNG... but somewhere, someday.

It's been great to catch back up with friends... though I haven't done a great job at it. It's good to be home and back in a real bed... the littlest things (like a box of Lucky Charms) were the things that I missed the most for sure. But those were minor. Simply a convenience.

Thank you for your prayers this summer. There will certainly be many more posts about the specific things I learned this summer coming soon... I just need time to put them onto paper. (Actually, many of them are on paper. I filled a 5 subject notebook this summer, so it's more a matter of finding what's already been written).

Leaving on a jet plane

2006-06-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

So I leave this afternoon for Chicago. From there I'll head to Orlando for a 3 day orientation. After that... to Papau New Guinea! I'll be living in the village of Kiunga for 2 months. This is going to be awesome. And really, really tough. Please keep me in your prayers over the summer. This is looking to be a very exciting and challenging trip. It will also serve as an insight to possible future plans... so this summer carries a lot of weight as far as my life is concerned. And I know God has some very big things planned for my own heart.

Please pray that I would be disciplined in my personal prayer time... that one needs a lot of work and also that I would begin to learn to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Thank you all for all of your support... I really look foward to sharing with you when I get back.

Have a great summer! (I'll be back August 11...)

I love my grandpa...

2006-04-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

So I went to lunch with my grandparents the other day. Well, technically, they're my great grandparents... they're both almost 90. They live in Peoria, but I'm so busy that I don't get to see them much. They're basically the family highlight of all holidays. They're like this cornerstone to our family. And I've never seen anyone who, even at his age, demands and deserves the respect that my grandfather does. He's an amazing guy. Really. He's lived through so many different eras, seen so many different things, and done some truly amazing stuff. He was one of the guys who, over 60 years ago, helped start the business that my dad currently owns. He's just an awesome guy. I love my grandmother too... she's also an amazing person, but this story relates back to my grandfather, so we'll talk about her another day.

So we go to lunch at Avanti's and I told them all about my missions trip this summer. I told them all about the things I'm going to be doing and about the people there. I told them all about what I have to do to prepare for this summer and things that I have to take. They told me about places they had been.

They asked about college and I told them about my classes. I told them about my grades and how busy classes kept me. I told them about the professors that I like and the ones I didn't. My grandfather gave me some classic "grandfatherly" advice. I told them all about the fraternity and where I was going to be living next year. I told them all about my friends here at Bradley. My grandpa told me about places he used to live and about how lucky I was to be able to go to college. He didn't have that opportunity.

They asked about stuff outside of school. I told them all about being involved in YFC and Campus Life at MTHS. I told them all about my awesome Sunday school class in Pekin and the opportunity I had to work at a church. My grandpa told me those were really good things to be involved in and to keep at it, but also to make sure my grades stayed up (Then he gave me that smile that only the people in our family really know how to read).

...Now before I continue on, you have to know my grandfather to understand the significance of what I'm going to tell you... He's the type of person who's not able to walk well at this point. When he hugs you, he's half using you to support himself half holding on to his cane. Many people would say "I love you" when they leave, my grandfather typically says "bye bye." My entire family loves him more than I could possibly hope to make you understand. Unfortunately, at their age, health is not on their side. My grandfather's health is especially bad... his mind is leaving very quickly. Most of us are only expecting them to make it through one more Christmas... if even that far. They hold very dear places in all of our hearts.

So I pull up to Buhler Home, where they live, and drop them off. I come around to help them out of my car and they get ready to go inside. I hug my grandma and tell her I love her. She kisses me on the cheek and heads towards the door. I turn to my grandpa and hug him. He puts both arms around me, cane arm and all, and hugs me with suprising strength. He puts his cane down to support himself, then grabs my arm with the other hand. With probably the most clear look in his eyes I've ever seen, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I love you Ryan." Then he patted me on the shoulder like old men do, and headed inside. I thought I was going to start crying right there in the parking lot. I think I'm going to start crying right now, just writing this. There was something so moving about the way he said it... something that was so out of his normal character that I will never, ever forget it.

At a time in my life when I have so many different things going on... many of which I myself am uncertain, my grandfather looked me right in the face and told me he was behind me; I had his approval. "I love you."

Whoa....

2006-04-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

So as some may know, this summer I'm going to be going to Papua New Guinea for two months. I'm incredibly excited and absolutely can't wait to get there... I'll be living in a tribal village of about 2,400 people. I'll be living in a make-shift hut with very limited electricity via a small solar panel on the roof. My water will come from a rain collection tub on the roof... no plumbing and semi-running water. I am so excited for this opportunity to go to a foreign place to serve and love the people there... to show them the love of Christ in awesome ways.

I was thinking the other day about how, in reality, I am a missionary right here where I'm at. Right now. And I suck at it. Really. I do an awful job ministering to and loving the people around me. So how is the act of "going" actually going to change anything... why should it? This is not something that will prevent me from going, but a thought that is changing the way I look at and approach this trip. What in my life needs to change now? What things will I learn while I'm there that I want to make a lifestyle here? I need to work on my people loving skills. I shouldn't be doing it just because it's my "job" this summer, but because I am transformed in Christ and see people in a whole different way....

Also, as far as fundraising goes for the trip... I was pretty skeptical. I had to raise $5,000. That's a lot of cash. So my mom helped my compile a list of every person I've ever come into contact with in my life (that's sarcastic... sort of...) and even some relatives I haven't (completely serious). I sent out 140 letters... 140 letters asking for people to support me financially and in prayer. The letters coming in as of a few days ago had gotten me about one third of the way there... there were only 18 responses. I was very surprised... even shocked at some of the responses. But the responses stopped for a few days... so I began to wonder if that was really all I was going to get... haha... I'm an idiot. Today, I checked the balance on my account... $5,150. There have only been 34 responses...

I wanted to laugh...

And cry at the same time.

Then I just told God thank you... and, once again, sit in amazment at what God will do for messed up and doubting people like me.

A War-time Mentality

2006-04-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

“One of our goals at Bethlehem is to be a people with a war-time mentality and a war-time lifestyle. A people who see the warmth and beauty of spring but do not forget that vast populations of our world and vast regions of the human heart are ice-bound by unbelief; that every season of the year Satan is fighting with his forces to resist the liberation troops of the gospel and expand his own deadly kingdom. God helping us, we will not be a people with a peacetime mentality. Daffodils and tulip blossoms and Aspen leaves and carpets of grass will not make us think the millennium has come. The war rages on right through the summer. Every new, fresh, beautiful leaf is an offer of love from God to a rebellious world. The deep blue sky and the warm sun and the cumulus clouds are a merciful call to repentance before the final storm gathers. Every softball game, every fishing trip, every hour in the garden, every day at the lake is a field of conflict. And there are a hundred ways for you to gain victory over evil in the power of Christ and advance his cause in the way you work and play this summer—if you maintain a war-time mentality.”

John Piper “How the Spirit Sanctifies” May 13, 1984

"God told me to marry a prostitute..."

2006-03-30T13:15:00.000-08:00

So I read this story the other day about a man named Hosea, it's in Hosea chapters 1 - 3. He was an old testament prophet who was told to marry this woman named Gomer. (I can't imagine growing up with that name was a lot of fun). She was a prostitute. Or as God refered to her, "an adulterous woman." Hosea marries Gomer and they have a son... Gomer also has two more children, but they're not necessarily Hosea's. She is a very unfaithful woman and has many other lovers and affairs. She even uses the wealth and food that Hosea has given her to seduce her other lovers. Eventually, she leaves Hosea altogether for this adulterous way of life. I can only imagine the pain Hosea is feeling at this point. Then God says this, "Go get her back." Excuse me? She's sleeping with all these other men, even after all I've done for her, and you want me to go get her back? Hosea obeys, though, and even has to purchase her back for 15 pieces of silver.

The reason God tells him to do these things is that Hosea was to be used as a living example for the people of Israel. See, they had completely turned away from God and were living in sin. God was showing them that, spiritually, they were being the equivalent of whores.
This story hits home for me, if only because it is put into a way that I can understand. The pain Hosea felt when his wife gave birth to a child that wasn't his must have been unbearable. I put myself in that situation and imagine how I would feel being betrayed like that by the person I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with and love with evey part of my being... it would kill me. I would simply snap.

And now for the whole point: This is how God feels when I sin. Christ has called me, as a christian, his bride... So when I sin, I am betraying the very God who sacrificed himself for me... he bought me back even when I was living as an adulterer, a whore. When I knowingly sin against God, it hurts him because he loves me so much....

Yet He takes me back....

the joys of suffering: perseverance, character, and Hope.

2006-02-23T15:01:00.000-08:00

Romans 5.3-5 says: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

This verse just really hit home with me today... it was just a really good reminder that the rough things I'm going through, the struggles I'm having, I am doing something good by pressing on. I have to keep my head up and keep focused on the ultimate goal: Christ.

Jesus, help me fully understand what that verse means. Continue to reveal yourself to me. Take me places only you can take me. Grant me strength in these hard times. That verse says your hope does not disappoint us because you have poured out your love into our hearts... You are amazing, God. Continue to pour out your love into me and show me how to reflect that love to others. ... Name above all names... how great is our God!

Matthew 6.30-33

2006-02-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

Tonight my last post, my thoughts about my own life, were very much reassured.

(30)If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? (31)So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' (32)For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. (33)But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Jesus tells us to seek him first, completely disregarding all else, and everything else will fall into place... I feel like I've been doing that, but very hesitantly... I'm testing the waters with my toe, but I'm not sure I want to go all in yet... If the world looks at me someday and tells me that I've lived my life in a very foolish way then I'll consider that a job well done. (not that it matters what the world thinks, but that's the way they saw John the Baptist... I think I really want to be a lot like him. not that eating locusts and honey sounds like a ton of fun, but if that's what it takes... I'm game.)

And I'm doing this why?

2006-02-20T12:17:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm trapped.

Trapped in a cage.

Trapped in society.

I'm "supposed" to do this,

And "supposed" to do that,

But what if I don't want to?

I sit through classes I don't want to take,

To learn things I don't want (or need) to know,

To get a degree that's nothing more than a piece of paper,

To get myself a job I don't really want,

So that I can earn more money than I'll ever need,

So that I can be "financially secure."

But what if that's not what I want?

What if that's not what I feel?

What if the life I want to lead

Isn't the one society says I should?

What if, from everyone else's perspective,

The way in which I choose to live my life isn't logical?

Chaos follows quickly thereafter…

Let the adventure begin.

Being Real

2006-02-13T17:25:00.000-08:00

This is one of the lessons from a high school Sunday school class that I teach. I decided to put it up here because it's something that really made me look inside myself a little more. Hope it does the same for you. (Think a little bit about the questions before reading on... that's what really did it for me: the questions)

*What does it mean to be real? What would that look like?

I think we could much easier answer that question if we had more examples of it in our society. For those who saw Jesus, they saw someone who was completely authentic 100% of the time.

Because Jesus was real with people, they were finally able to be honest about themselves.

*Who in your life knows you best? Who knows your true heart?
Why have you chosen to reveal that part of yourself?

Jesus encountered a woman who was known around the town to be a fairly corrupt woman. She was scorned and used by men many times. But Jesus was different. Instead of condemning her, He actually saw in her the potential of what she could be, instead of what she had become.

Luke 7.36-48 (read it)

She was willing to suffer ridicule by showing up to a party, uninvited (which in those days was socially unacceptable), just to show her appreciation for what Jesus had done for her. She was being real by showing her gratitude, no matter what the consequences were. She was despised as a prostitute, yet she accepted her utter nothingness before the Lord. She could be real because she was finally honest with herself.

Being honest with ourselves helps us to be real with other people. Being real or authentic is when the relationship between what we are inwardly and how we act and appear outwardly is the same. Being real is living out of who you really are without putting up false pretenses or images, and by not intentionally misleading people to think you're someone that you're not.

Galatians 1.10

Obviously, I am not trying to be a people pleaser! No, I am trying to please God. If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ's servant.

*What are the "masks" that we put on and why? (Why aren't we real?)

*What are some ways you are trying to live for others?

Clothes/sports/classes/bf/gf/friends/the way we talk

James Dobson states:

If I had to choose a single word to characterize our emotional apparatus, it would be vulnerable. We are extremely sensitive in our relationships with one another or to anything that would humiliate us. We are easily embarrassed. We are easily hurt. We are easily angered. We are easily wounded. And we often fall flat on our faces at the most inopportune moments.

Nobody desires this type of pain, so it becomes easier to fake like everything is OK.

I'm sure we have all, at some point or another, actually taken that step out and exposed ourselves to another person or group of people. And, undoubtedly, I'm sure we all kicked ourselves for doing so at one point because that moment in which we revealed our heart was then turned on us, sometimes by our own families, and used to tease us. The reason we do that is simple: If we can get the crowd to focus on another person's pain, that will take the pressure off of us.

We are not real because of our insecurities (thinking of ourselves as ugly, stupid, to small, to fat, not good enough) or even our pride. We don't want to have to admit to others that we need help and that we can't do it on our own. And we don't believe that people will accept us despite our flaws. We're afraid of being gossiped or talked about.

So instead, we fake it. We become posers, fakers, and wannabes. We develop an impression in our minds of the type of person that we think will be accepted within a certain group and then we try and find our identity from within that perception.

We have vulnerable spots and weaknesses in our lives that we attempt to hide every day.

*Why might it seem like an oxymoron to live for God and be vulnerable about our weaknesses? Why not?

To be strong does not mean "no weaknesses" as our society portrays. It takes more strength to show those weaknesses than it does to pretend that they're not there. This is where God comes in.

2 Corinthians 12.9-10 says:

God's power is made perfect in weakness… That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses… For when I am weak, then I am strong.

*Why does God ask us to show our true heart? (Our true self?/be real?)

Because to show our true self means to show some pretty massive weaknesses. This allows for God to really use us. And when we are real, then we are coming closer and closer to what God created us to be. Through our own weaknesses, God is able to show His true power. Until we admit that we are weak and need His help, we are telling God that there is nothing He can do that we can't. It's claiming to be perfect.

*What is a weakness or struggle in your life?

How are you dealing with it?

*What small (or large) step can you take to go deeper into being real this week?

God uses your defeats and weaknesses not to empty you of your strengths, but to empty you of yourself. (Unknown)

John Eldridge states:

The story of your life is an attack on your heart by an enemy who knows what you can become, and fears it. (*That's pretty heavy*)

As a Christian, Christ has captured your heart. He Loves you. Not the "you" that is just a mask, but the you that is true. The you that lives straight from your soul. The you he created you to be. The one He Loves more than we as human beings can actually understand. Not the side of you that you show to the world, but the you, the being that would be shown without shame before the throne of God. Don't get me wrong… He loves you just as you are, where you are. But he wants you to stop trying to hide the you that He created. You can't improve on one of God's creations. Listen carefully to the part of you that He created you to be and begin to draw it out. Live out of the you that God created to show His true glory.

This Weekend...

2006-02-05T21:26:00.000-08:00

I learned this weekend that when God is trying to tell you something, you really should listen instead of ignoring Him. It can get expensive.

Love, Mistaken

2006-01-31T00:10:00.000-08:00

Love is lost on the first early kiss

Yes… but lust is found, creeping its way into the heart,

To forever entrench itself into the soul of the relationship;

With emotions thrown about like leaves in the wind,

And hastily spoken I love you's.

Where have we gone?

And how did we get here?

To this place in time where we don’t know what things mean.

Happiness used to mean joy and friends,

But now it seems to look strikingly similar to the dollar sign.

The mass of men have confused it for something it is not and never will be.

Now I fear that Love has followed suit.

Have we forsaken the friendship that once got us home?

Shall Love itself become meaningless and fall to waste like the rest of the world?

Love should not be mistaken for the youthful lust of things

But the world's forgotten…

The Butterfly

2006-01-31T00:06:00.000-08:00

And so the beast has within me sank it's dreaded teeth.

This monster of a demon that,

So willingly has perched itself upon my shoulder.

Time after time I've tried to get away;

To break free of it's grip.

But I've found in my time that,

The monster's great blades are deep within me,

Far deeper than I had previously realized.

In the beginning, it crept upon me…

Silent as a butterfly.

And, eventually, my eyes became numb to the poor butterfly,

For it amused me no longer.

The equally stunning bird took it's place and,

For a while, it did keep me occupied.

But then, as with the butterfly,

The bird lost it's color

And became another dull sensation to the eyes.

Then (as if sensing my boredom) the next creature took it's place.

This went on for some time, until, one day,

The monster against which I presently struggle emerged,

With all it's weapons bared and directed pointedly at the heart.

I woke to realized that I was being overpowered

By the tiny creature that had so slyly deceived me.

And there was nothing I could do but Pray.

Now as I drive away in silence,

(the radio off so as not to disturb the steady drone of the tires on the road)

My heart begins to wonder back to days when I was free…

Back to the days before the butterfly came around.

But, as I breathe my sigh of dry relief,

I feel the weight, again, resting on my shoulders

Of that repulsive monster which I have so unleashed.

But I have hope.

I know one day it too will have it's time,

And it will have out-stayed it's forced welcome.

For a sword which I cannot hold will pierce it's chest,

And the butterfly will fall.

This monster, which is really only a single part of them all,

Will be thrown to the furnace,

To make men bleed no more.

Real

2006-01-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

I know somebody who will like this one a lot...

Dawn is breaking on the first perfect day,

The first perfect day in a not so perfect world.

Sunlight has sparked in the eastern sky,

Rising to halt the dreariness of night.

And the world is different now…

Everything's been changed to a slightly different shade.

And my heart tells me it's beautiful.

The scene is different this time…

Not a matter of make-up or perfume anymore.

And it feels so much better.

I can look back now, and know that

I've found the difference.

The reason my night was so dreary

And my heart so alone

(even though there was always someone there).

Not real like hair color,

Which can be changed easily,

But real like the sound of your voice,

Or the color of your eyes

(which are beautiful no matter what you say).

So now when the sun sets fire to the west,

And the moon journeys overhead,

My heart will rest knowing there's tomorrow.

Because this is real...

Real like friendship.

Ignite

2006-01-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ignite me, O LORD.

Set my heart ablaze.

Cover my insides with Your fire.

Burn me, from the inside out

So that I may be a beacon for you.

Let me shine like a blazing pillar,

Standing on a hilltop for all to see.

Make it bright LORD.

Bright as the Son.

Instill in me a fiery passion for you LORD,

That others may see Your divine glory and limitless strength.

Your all-encompassing power and loving mercy.

Your eternal love and never ending grace.

Set me on fire.

Soak my heart in gasoline, LORD.

Cover me with your spirit.

And Ignite me with Your presence.

Way back...

2006-01-30T23:50:00.000-08:00

So I was digging throught a lot of stuff I wrote a while back (and by a while back I mean the early years of high school). I posted a lot of it on my old site, but it's been a while since I read any of it again. I started reading some of it tonight and I remembered, with perfect clarity, the lessons I was learning when I wrote each specific entry. It really made me think about those lessons and where I am in those areas today. So I post them with hopes that maybe they will do the same to whoever is reading this.

In humble adoration I’m driven to my knees;

Lost with a sense of purpose

In the all-consuming beauty that is You.

I’m a positive attitude, with a negative world’s influence.

I am a Broken heart that was healed by Your hand of life.

I’ve been given my Life through a death,

The sacrificial death of my King, my Creator,

Who laid it all down for me.

Yet even with Your Word to guide me, I still lose my way.

The faces of my heart become scrambled about

Like falling leaves in the wind,

Searching for answers to so many questions…

Finding myself alone in with the world.

I dream each night of standing tall in this darkness,

Of pointing towards Heaven like a mighty evergreen,

Standing strong in the face of the storm…

Never changing for the seasons.

But I wake again to myself just a seedling

Taking the first steps of a lifelong journey.

Just beginning to learn,

Only starting to grow.

And while the faces of my heart may wander

From time to time throughout my journey,

My gaze will fall upon You in the end.

Where I long to be is resting in your precious outstretched arms;

Gazing upon the light and truth that is Your face.

It is where I was meant to be, where I was made to be…

Where I belong.

Perfecting the Art of Bouncing the Eyes

2006-01-18T19:51:00.000-08:00

This is to all women, specifically Christian women… even more so, young Christian women. I am finally about to finish Every Young Man's Battle, which I started a while back but never did finish. This book deals with every single man's struggle for purity. Since we live in a society which revolves around sexuality, this struggle has become even more difficult. And the evolution of clothing doesn't help matters either: Low-cut shirts, midriffs showing, low-rise and/or form fitting pants, thongs blatantly showing… doesn't really leave much up to the imagination any more. And Satan loves to exploit this weakness in men. He loves to use God's amazing creation and twist it into something evil. And some of you Christian girls aren't helping any. One section of Every Young Man's Battle deals with how men can guard their eyes. One of the ways to do this is called "bouncing." It means that whenever you see something that could cause improper thoughts, you immediately bounce your eyes away from whatever that object is. I have had so many times (and this is just in the last two days) that I have been talking to girls who where Christian girls, but I couldn't look at them when I talked to them. They had low-cut shirts on, or pants that looked like they were just part of the skin… it was awful and IT PISSED ME OFF. Girls wear these shirts that just scream "STARE AT MY BOOBS!!" and then they get mad because guys do. I was talking to a girl a few days ago about a shirt she had bought and she said, "It's not like I have any cleavage to show, all I have is a rib cage." Unfortunately, that's not the point.

"How terrible it will be for anyone who causes others to sin. Temptation to do wrong is inevitable, but how terrible it will be for the person who does the tempting." Matthew 18.7-8

The point is, I'm struggling to maintain purity… more accurately: I'm fighting a vicious battle that has consumed so many other men. Satan already has an easy enough time throwing the darts of lust at men, so why are you making it easier for him? You are supposed to be our allies! You're supposed to be on the same side as us! As far as I'm concerned, when you dress like that, you're fighting against us and you've joined Satan's side. By wearing clothes like that you're making the temptation to sin so much greater for you Christian brothers… and that hurts me. Being around girls is hard enough because of the way they dress, but I've always thought that there would be some sort of a safe zone with Christian girls. Unfortunately, It's more of a fight to be around you than it is a relief. Every time I'm around a lot of these girls I spend the entire time FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE. And I don’t like that. In fact it makes me angry. Very, very angry. Many girls have never thought about the way they dress or act around guys, especially Christian guys… most girls are unaware of this struggle that goes on. But let me tell you that it is real, and it is hell.

Here are a few pointers for you girls who want to help us out and actually do something positive for this struggle:

Don’t wear loose fitting shirts or blouses, and if you do, don't bend over in front of us.
Low-rise jeans are a bad decision, and if you are wearing them, don't bend over in front of us. (I'll let you in on a little secret about that one: half of your freaking butt shows when you do that with those stupid pants on.)
Watch the low cut shirts… those are the worst. If you must, put a shirt on underneath it that covers everything up.
DON'T WEAR THONGS AND UNDERWEAR THAT HANG OUT OF YOUR PANTS.
Don’t wear those itty bitty tiny shorts that are so popular with girls… those are a great way to help any guy lust.

Consider this fair warning. I hope you think a little more the next time any of you girls are trying to decide what to wear.

"A woman who is beautiful but lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout." Proverbs 11.22

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies." Proverbs 31.10

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31.30

The Holy Spirit interrupted my shower...

2006-01-13T23:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm in the shower just relaxing and thinking, two of my specialties, and I got to thinking about these posts. See, when I started doing this a long time ago on livejournal, it was all stuff that really meant something to me. The posts themselves meant something and they were parts of me that I had really thought about and worked through... It seems that recently I've been doing more posting for the sake of others reading it than I have for myself. I've found in my own life that I communicate best through writing, so that's what alot of my early entries were: my prayers and thoughts to God... That's why the subtitle to this blog is "my offering." Unfortunately, I've gotten away from that and have simply started writing for my own glorification. I've been strongly convicted of it and I am confessing it here. I'm going to go back to writing in notebooks that nobody reads, my little red notebooks, and then throwing stuff up on here just whenever something stands out... so there may not be anything posted on here for a while... who knows. I'm going back to the way it should be though... I'm not writing for others anymore, not even for myself.... I'm sick of it and there's no satisfaction in it.

Taking back Christmas...

2005-12-13T12:12:00.000-08:00

I think that it's time to take back Christmas. Not from pagans and non-christians... but it's time to take it back from the Christians who totally miss the point.

On Friday, December 23 at 7 pm, there is going to be a worship time put on at the christian union church in metamora. This is not something put on by the church... we're just using the building. It is actually kevin's vision, and he's been going after this for about the last month. Plain and simple, we're attempting to take at least one night of this holiday back from the messed up thing that it has become. It will be a very intimate, serious night of spirit-led worship. there will be no stage, there will be no "worship leaders" just people playing instruments. we will all be worshiping the King who happens to be the center of this holiday. this won't be your ordinary "church worship." This is the swords drawn, fire lit type of worship that doesn't happen every day.

It's time to worship ladies and gentlemen...

Christian Union Church in Metamora on Friday, December 23 at 7.00 pm.

Let me know if you need directions or have any questions.

Who doesn't love Chuck Norris?

2005-12-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

**the post meres was refering to is the one below this**

I thought these were really funny. The fact that I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night probably made them even funnier... so if they're not funny... try not sleeping for a night and read them again. Finals are awful so I needed a little comic relief......

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13, 000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey, " and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before
they attack.

Once Chuck Norris was knighted by the queen of England. When the queen was performing the ceremony, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her in the face and stole her tiara. He now wears it when he plays polo with Prince Charles every Thursday as a reminder.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch, " Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

*Chuck Norris jokes are courtesy of Kurt Thomas' online journal*

Yearn....

2005-12-12T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling more and more that I was made to do nothing but worship Him. Like that is the only thing my heart really wants to do... worship.

Now that's cool....

What are you getting Jesus for Christmas?

2005-12-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

I was talking with kevin the other day, and he brought up a really good point about Christmas and the birth of Jesus. In Matthew 2:2 the Magi ask Herod (emphasis added), "Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We have seen the star in the east, and we have come to worship him." So the gifts right now are of no concern to them... they're secondary. Thier intentions are to go and worship this little baby boy who is the king of the Jews. Worship. Herod knew their intentions, so they must have been very obvious about it. He tells them in verse 8: "Go to Bethlehem and search carefully for the child. And when you find him, come back and tell me so taht I can go and worship him too!" The Magi finally get to where Jesus is, and verse 11 says (emphasis added), "They entered the house where the child and his mother, Mary, were, and they fell down before him and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh." I love how their main goal was to worship him. But really, think about it. It's Jesus... what are you gonna do? Buy him a tie? They acknowledged the fact that the gifts they were bringing were not even close to being good enough for this king... so they brought their best, and worshiped him. With that in mind, Connor made a statement about giving that made me think. The Magi brought the best that they had for a king here on earth. Christ died on a cross to take our sins upon himself. Christmas is a time of giving gifts, so what are you giving Jesus? At first, I was like, "...And what exactly am I supposed to give Jesus? What could Jesus, of all people, want?" Then it all made sense. Jesus wants us to give him our sin. He wants it. That' s what he died for. So here's what I'm doing this year for Christmas: I'm going to worship in a way I think those Magi would have worshiped on that night before Jesus, and I'm going to give Him the worst, ugliest, most awful things in my life. I'm going to give Him my very best.

What are you going to do?

Get out your Sword!!

2005-12-06T16:47:00.000-08:00

Aren't swords cool? Think about all of the greatest movies in which the hero uses a sword: Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, Gladiator. I don't think guns have the same effect... I mean, they make a person feel powerful, but anybody can pull a trigger. A sword requires close conflict and actual hand to hand fighting. The aura of honor and valor seem greater when it comes to a sword over any other weapon. So, the other night my fraternity did what we call the Secret Meeting of the Saints. It's a time of worship and sharing that's basically open to anybody, but it's usually just the fraternity guys. So during this time, there is an object that gets passed around, and the person holding that object is the person who has the floor, everyone's undivided attention. The item that we used this year was David's fencing sword. I thought that was so stinking cool. As I was thinking about it later, I was very stuck by this sword (not literally, that would have hurt). I began to think about how cool it was just holding it and how it made me want to run down the hallways (I seriously considered it for a moment, just before handing it back to David). This made me think about a lot of things. It was wierd... like this crazy power trip. I was holding a sword. Now this was at the end of the evening when most of the guys were just standing around talking, and until this point they had basically been holding it tip down, at their side or in front of them, with the end on the ground... but I thought that was boring. As I was talking to David and looking at the sword, I lifted it up in front of me. I won't ever forget the reactions of the guys around me. Those around me either moved away quickly and completely, or got behind me. Yea... That felt really cool. Holding that sword made me feel just the way Ephesians 6.10-18 describes: Like I am in a battle. And are we ever in a battle. The thought that struck me later was that often times I take that sword (God) and keep it at my side, in its sheath... a place where it is useless in a battle. I see in these movies, the heros always have their sword ready when they know an attack is coming soon, and I have to wonder to myself why I always keep my sword in a place where it is useless until I'm already being attacked. The God of the universe, the greatest and most powerful force that's ever existed, is my sword. He is my armor. But I tend to live without a care in the world, until I am under attack, which often takes some time to realize, and only then do I finally put on the armor and get out my Sword. I need to keep it out... Keep it ready at all times. What I've realized is that all of those demons that attack me will scatter long before they can get to me if I am walking with my Sword out... If I am dwelling in Christ and living with the full armor of God on at all times

Ladies and Gentlement: get your Swords out... this is your call to arms, your call to fight in the greatest most epic battle ever fought... a literal battle between heaven and hell.

God takes ryan to school... again

2005-12-02T00:31:00.000-08:00

So, for those of you who didn't know this, I recently shaved my head. Not entirely, but pretty stinkin close. I went from having a whole lot of hair (and by a lot I mean down into my eyes) to having minimal hair. One of the reasons I did it was because I wanted a new start of sorts. Mainly, it was for all the times that I've tried to do things on my own. My life is full of problems that have occurred because I'm too stubborn and thick-headed to go to God for help. It seems I would rather struggle and kick and scream and fight my way out of a hole, only to be so tired by the time I get out, that I get knocked right back in. For some reason I constantly insist on doing it my way. I was very blatantly shown this one night a while back when I went camping. Every once in a while, I have to get away from everything. So, I pack up a tent, a sleeping bag, my Bible, and not much else and head out. There's this place that I usually go out in the middle of nowhere that is a retreat area of sorts owned by the Christian Union Church in Metamora. So, this particular night I arrive to see that the spot where I was going to put my tent was already occupied. I freaked out a little bit because there is usually nobody ever back there (I'm serious... this place is in the middle of nowhere). I realized that there were no cars around and I saw no people when I drove up. So I investigated further. *Normally, I wouldn't do this, but I just kinda had that feeling on this night, like everything was there for a reason.* But I get out of the car and call out a few times... no answer. So I tap on the tent... nothing. I very boldly open up the tent to find that there is nobody in it. But, what was in it was an air mattress with a sleeping bag spread over it like a blanket... very odd. After a quick recon of the area, I was sure that there was nobody anywhere around. Then the thought crosses my mind: "Just use that tent." It was a little late anyway, and it was going to take me a few minutes to put mine up... why not? Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Wow... what a freak. Who sleeps in a random tent?" But, these thoughts were part of something very significant. I decided to go ahead and use my tent... After I had worked furiously to set it up (it's hard to set a tent up single-handedly) I got a fire going and was just sitting there listening to the silence. Then the silence wasn't so silent anymore. At least not inside my head it wasn't. It all hit me then why that tent was there. God had made his illustration to me very clearly: "I provide for you, yet you still insist on your own way. My way is better, yet you still go your own direction. You honor Me in the big decisions, but I still don't have everything from you yet... you still haven't given Me everything. I gave you a tent tonight so that you could spend more time with Me... mine is even more comfortable. It has an AIR MATRESS! What more do you want? I provide, and you decline My gifts for your own ways... When will it stop? When will you trust me in everything?"
At this point, I pretty much felt like an idiot. And I still feel like that right now... I still haven't given Him everything... I still am not trusting Him with every aspect of my life. Even though His way is infinitely better... I still want to do it my way. I'm so glad God is patient, because if I were God I probably would have just gone ahead and killed me by now. He is so much better to me than I can even begin to realize.
*Just a side note: that tent in the picture is the one that I passed up for my own... I just had to take a picture of it.

That was a quick decision...

2005-12-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

So, in a matter of just a few minutes I have decided that this will be my new home... whoopty doo. haha. All of my old stuff is on livejournal.

Now, back to homework.

Trying to resist the pull...

2005-12-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

I'm very quickly giving in to the idea of having a blog on this site, rather than my livejournal because this is just basically so much better... I'm still trying to decide... I have a lot of history with livejournal, but this just basically makes it look like crap. I have no idea.