Barrenness.

I'm being forced right now to deal with my own barrenness. It's not really fun at all.

I had this glorious idea that the end of college was going to bring this amazing new freedom to dive into the Word, to spend huge chunks of time with the Lord, and to simply focus my life more on Him... to sit and to hear His voice and His words.

College ended. Summer started. I skidded across the ground on my face.

This summer, in terms of content at least, is no different than last: I'm still in Tremont building fence on my family's horse barn and taking care of horses and such. Essentially the same responsibilities and tasks. Except last summer was a never-ending adventure in the Lord. I felt like Tom Sawyer, just going on adventure after adventure. Not this time though.

I guess in the midst of everything going on, I started to think it would just simply grow greater and greater, but as soon as summer hit instead of getting greater, it stopped completely.

And to be honest, I'm at a place in my life I've never been before (but I guess every single day is a place in life we've never been before... but that's beside the point). Until now, every single movement of my life has been structured for me. High school, jobs, even where I would go to college was already sort of a pre-determined decision. Who I hung out with and where I was and what I had to do was really structured. All I needed to do was to decide how I would spend my free time... which was easy because I didn't have alot, so I either slept or hung out with Jesus.

Not a hard decision to make.

But now there's no structure. Now nothing is decided for me. And now it's always something I'll do "later."

I'm uncomfortable with the lack of structure. I'm frustrated at my lack of desire for the Lord. I'm irritated by the things around me. I'm disappointed at my spiritual dullness (and even emotional... I really feel very little right now and I hate it.) And I'm terrified that I won't come out of it.

I can't live with mediocracy. I can't live on the fringes. I can't live doing a half-hearted "sunday christianity." But I feel as if that is exactly what I'm being sucked into.

I literally feel as if I am dying.


Jesus, raise me from the dead...wake me up.