I am a Dreamer.

I am a beloved Child of the Living God.
His empowering presence surrounds me.

Because of Jesus I have permission to be me, without apology.

I have permission to dream.
Big.

I have permission to try new things.
I have permission to fail.
And I have permission to learn from my experiences.

I have permission to create.
I have permission to succeed.

A transformed mind means the impossible becomes logical.
Nothing is impossible.

Song of My Heart

Bexter asked me about a month ago what my greatest dream was.

These are honestly a little hard to write down… at times it feels like if I were to say them out loud in anything above a whisper they might startle and flutter away. Other times I feel so bold that I could run through the streets.

I’ll put it simply first, then give the long version.

My greatest dream is two-fold: it is personal and it is corporate, and one flows from the other like a stream filling a river. It is, personally, to be undone by the cross and consumed with love for Jesus, knowing that I am enjoyed by Him even in my weaknesses.

And flowing out of that reality, my greatest dream on a corporate level is to see entire cities undone by the power and love of Jesus… not just saved, but transformed by the mercy and majesty of Jesus Christ unto preparedness for the Day of the Lord.


Long version, and possibly some rants/tangents:

For the past few months my heart has been locked up in so many ways, and at times it’s a battle to get even minor breakthroughs. I have been asking the Lord to tenderize my heart again… to restore to my heart the deep desire I’ve known at certain seasons of my life. In short, to wake me up.

At first everything is blurry…

blink. blink. blink. …the world comes into focus as I begin to catch a glimpse of it through the eyes of Jesus.

Longing. Desire. Groaning.

One thing: Jesus. Crucified. Resurrected. Fully Alive. The kindest, strongest, gentlest, meekest man ever to walk to earth. Just like His Father.

I want a lot of things. I love boats and old cars. I love hunting and rock climbing. I love fabricating and building things. Philosophy and root beer…so many things I could spend my time and energies on, countless competing desires in my heart. But when I sit still, even for mere seconds, to hear, suddenly it all looks anemic (at best) in comparison to the greatness of Christ… to the greatness of gaining Christ. He is my inheritance; He is my reward. He is that which I long for.

Working really hard and sprinkling Jesus over it at the end of the day will not cut it. Our little peanut kingdoms will not stand at the Day of the Lord, no matter how much “Jesus” we sprinkle over it. Jesus did not come to “help” us do our stuff and build our little kingdoms. Jesus is the life-source. Receiving Jesus means all of our “stuff” is uprooted and replaced with the life-giving foundation of Christ. This brings us into an impossible kingdom… one we don’t have the ability to operate in. That’s why the Holy Spirit is the “helper.” He empowers us to do the impossible… bring increase to the manifest Kingdom of God on the earth.

Why would I even consider wasting time on all these other things when I could lay hold of Him?!?

Paul counts it all garbage, dung, that he might lay hold of Christ. I would agree with him.

Jesus Christ.

The central figure in all of history. All of creation begins and ends with and in Jesus – around His nature and character, who He is and what He’s like. All of History, from creation to the Day of the Lord, is to be seen, read, and understood through that lens.

The Lord made that so clear to me the other day as I was praying and meditating on the phrase “I desire mercy…” (Matthew 9:13). I was having a hard time, frankly, because I don’t get mercy. I mean, yea, I get it textually… I can break mercy down for you and tell you about why Jesus had to die and yada yada yada.

I get mercy, but in a “county municipal code” sort of way.

There is a vast difference between knowing about the ocean and the waves and the creatures and actually being caught out on that ocean in it’s raging storm. That storm is mercy.

Terrifying mercy.

The Lord opened my eyes and it was like I suddenly saw mercy and meekness everywhere. Every verse, every story, every word of Jesus had mercy and meekness oozing out of it.

I always thought I got mercy. I thought I understood meekness. I mean, I’ve even taught it in Bible studies and stuff… I’m not great at walking it out (mainly because I have a overdeveloped, not to mention wrong, understanding of holiness), but I figured at least I understood it.

Fail.

Epic Fail.

We don’t understand mercy because we don’t understand justice. We don’t understand meekness because we don’t understand strength. All of this leads us to view God wrongly, thus missing so much of what He desires to pour out to us... missing so much of our inheritance. We are walking so far below the place He desires us to be. Remember, He said "Father, I desire that they would be with Me where I am." What kind of God says something like that? What kind of God desires to share His glory with the very ones who hate Him...who crucify Him?

Behold, God is great and we do not know Him.

We have lost the understanding, except in some sort of ethereal theoretical sort of way, of what we actually deserve. We’ve desperately lost sight of who God is and who we are. We’ve lost sight of what we were created for, the height from which we’ve fallen, the depth to which we’ve fallen, and we have yet to even comprehend the place to which we’ve been raised up… “seated with Christ.”

...I feel like I could sit up all night right now writing, but wisdom tells me sleep is a good idea. So…to be continued.

A Fatherless Generation

I went to a prayer meeting the other day (which is probably one of my favorite things ever: prayer+meeting=awesome). We were praying for God to raise up a generation of sold out hearts in Peoria. I prayed that God would bring fathers and mothers into those young lives to train and guide them. Lisa jumped in after and prayed for “impartation and healing for the generation right now who doesn’t know what it means to have a spiritual father or mother.”

Throughout my life I have been blessed with people who invested in me and taught me about the Lord and the things of His word. Darin was a father to me from 5th-8th grade. He was the first; the one who laid the foundations. Todd was a father to me. He was the one who led me to the place of making my faith my own and going hard after God. Phil was a father to me. He led me to the things of the Spirit and provoked me seek out what it meant to “walk in the Spirit.”

After Phil left for Kansas City, I was left to sort out the day to day questions “on my own.” That’s not to say that he left me hanging in any way at all… I was just now at a place where I didn’t have anyone leading me. My church at the time didn’t really have a concept of discipleship, so I was left to press into the journey of the Lord on my own.

I’m thankful for the 4 or 5 years that I had people intentionally investing in me and provoking me… and leading me with wisdom when I was ready to make foolish decisions in my zeal. But about my sophomore year of college I found myself clinging to Isaiah 54.13, which says “Your sons will be taught of the Lord.” I prayed constantly for the Lord to bring someone into my life to be a mentor, a father… someone to provoke me further in the Lord and to affirm me in the things I was doing – somebody to simply confirm to me that I was doing this right.

I told the Lord that as long as someone like that was not in my life, I fully expected Him to teach me and guide me; to provoke me and show me how to walk in this realm that I was so unfamiliar with.

I have no doubt that He did just that… no doubt in my mind.

But something still lingers… the desire for affirmation. Sometimes I still wonder if I’m doing this all right… if I’m walking how I’m supposed to be walking… if I’m walking in all I could be… if I’m overstepping some sort of boundary…

There’s been a sort of “kickback” against this sort of affirmation in our culture in the past few years. It’s like a lone-ranger mentality, and I’ve had that one for a while. So when I say “affirmation,” I don’t mean that I need somebody to tell me who I am - I know that full well. What I am saying, though, is that we were made by God to live and abide in community and part of that is the safe-haven of accountability.

Lisa’s prayer caused a groan to rise up in me because I still have that lingering question… “Am I doing this all right?” And so much like the question from Wild at Heart – “Do I have what it takes?” Those questions linger fiercely in my heart… fiercely.

This is a strange for me because I grew up with a great dad who provided so much for me. One thing, however, that was always a little difficult for him was teaching (especially about anything concerning God…that’s just sort of something that he grew up learning you “don’t talk about”), so I essentially learned how to figure things out on my own – which I’m truly grateful for. That’s a skill that, as I’m learning, the vast majority of the people in today’s world don’t have. So I love my dad, and I wouldn’t replace him with anybody…I’ve learned so much from my him. But what I’m longing for is a spiritual father… literally a “father in the spirit.”

This is what so many today, young and old, are groaning for: Fathers and Mothers.

Like those who’ve grown up without a father in the home, the victims of an epidemic across the globe, I think there are a multitude of Christians today who were born into the church and don’t even know they have an inheritance because they had no father or mother to show it to them (this is also one of the reasons I have a gut-check about the “mega-church” trend we have going here). Thus they sit with the a trillion dollar inheritance, all the while living like paupers because they don’t know any better. I am convinced that this must be bestowed…released through the fellowship of believers.

…Sometimes I wonder what inheritance I have that I don’t know about.

I want everything God will give me, and if the people around me don’t want the portion they’ve been given, I’ll take that too. I want to walk in the highest reality and fullness that the Lord will allow me to walk in. I want it all.

But sometimes I need someone to help me walk that zeal out. Sometimes I do foolish things because I have revelation without wisdom.

We are entering a period of history where the cries of people throughout history are being answered and God is releasing revelation of Himself, the knowledge of the Living God, to His people. Thus the need for fathers and mothers is growing exponentially. Each of us ought to be willing to be a father or a mother to those who come after us… to walk in a “spirit of adoption” (Romans 8.15), just as we have been adopted, and to empower those who are newly birthed into the realm of the Most High God.

Malachi 4.6 says, "He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse." The “he” is the spirit of Elijah...the Forerunner spirit, which also speaks of John the Baptist (Luke 1.17). This is a verse of promise because it assures that the hearts of the fathers and the children will be reconciled… that a culture of honor would be restored.

But then there’s that phrase, the one we leave off the end because it’s not the warm fuzzy type: “so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse.”

To live apart from the way of the Lord is to empower a curse…and not just any curse. This one is spoken by the mouth of the Lord. That’s scary.

Thus, this loaded verse becomes two-fold: First, when we honor our fathers and mothers (physical and spiritual) as well as walk in a spirit of adoption in becoming a father or mother to those “begotten through the gospel” (1 Cor. 4.15), we walk in a Forerunner spirit which prepares the way of the Lord – it cultivates the presence of the Lord and paves the way for the return of Christ. Secondly, if we leave those born into His church through the gospel of Christ to wander on their journey without discipleship, without a father or mother in the spirit, we open the door for a curse to fall upon us… one that affects the very ground we walk on.

As it stands, this generation is left doing one of two things: asking “do I have what it takes?” or making foolish decisions out of youthful zeal. Where are the fathers and mothers who will provoke, lead, and empower a generation to utterly surpass them in the Lord?

Those we lead should ultimately walk in a greater reality in God than we did because we got the breakthrough for them. Our ceiling should be their floor.

May they arise like Ezekiel, to call forth a generation as dry bones to become an army. May those who have never experienced what it means to have a father or mother, in the physical or the spiritual, know what it means to have the Lord meet the needs in places where we have failed. May the Lord restore the years the locusts have eaten and may we walk in all that He has for us.

I hope desperately that Christians become consumed by a spirit of adoption, both in the physical and the spiritual, so that as the Lord ends abortion in our land there are people to take in those unwanted blessings, and so that as the Lord begins to encounter lives and bring many to Himself there are fathers and mothers to show them what it is to walk in the fullness of their inheritance.

Coffee and People... Two of my favorite things.

I was at a wedding this afternoon - Jake and Ali Bland - and that meant that I got to hang out with a bunch of people I hadn't seen for quite a while and just generally socialize and be a "people person." What was great about it was that there was coffee at the reception, which only encouraged my enthusiasm.

Mmmm...coffee.

Anyway, I was wonderful privilege of conversing with one of my favorite people in the world (and I'm not exaggerating): Beky Smith (or Bexter, her "stage name" :)

She's one of my favorite people on the planet for a lot of reasons but primarily because she is so uniquely herself and because she possesses creativity and an eye for beauty unlike anybody I've ever met. (Check out her photography website @ http://www.purecaptivation.com)

There were a lot of people at this wedding who are very dear to me, and many of them were asking what I was up to these days, which is adult-speak for, "Do you have a job yet and what are you doing with your life?" I didn't have much of an answer for them. In fact, I don't have much of an answer for myself. Dan Learned asked me the other day what I would do if I was totally funded for the next year to just do whatever I wanted with my time and answer. I'm pretty certain that I side-stepped the question.

Bexter, however, worded things a little differently. At one point she asked me, "What is your greatest dream?" What a wonderfully fascinating question. In the midst of all the discouraged confusion about where the heck I'm going next, this seemed to just get my heart racing. Why? Because I didn't even need to think for more than six-thousandths of a second to know the answer...my heart just immediately leapt.

Sometimes we get so focused on just "getting by," or doing what others want/expect us to do. Parents can be a big source of pressure. I'm not even going to rag on mine... I've been really refreshed at how much (especially my dad) has really just let me search out my place. He keeps the question at the forefront of my mind and I know he really wants me to have it figured out, but I know that he means well and that he wants me to be successful and happy. I have no doubt about that.

This is the biggest one though: I think we get so focused on "obedience" sometimes that we leave our dreams and desires on the chopping block of personal holiness.

Here's what I mean: We treat ourselves like slaves of God and constantly want Him to tell us what to do next. I don't know how many times I've prayed, "God, just show me what to do next, show me where to go and to be and I'll do it in a heartbeat!!" And I would too. And the Lord knows that... and He loves my willing and genuine heart. But God isn't looking for slaves.

He's after lovers. He's after children. He's after Kings and Queens.

He created us with desire in our hearts for certain things... this is part of the idea behind the "Body of Christ." Unity doesn't mean uniformity. The Lord has made each of us so incredibly differently, so complex and so extravagant. He's given us dreams and desires that each have a role in "tending the Garden" (Genesis 1), i.e. being the rulers and royalty over the domain of the earth and offering our creative expression to the area in which God has given us authority and thus entering into interaction and communion with the Living God. This was Adam and Eve's role in the Garden of Eden. This was man's task from the very beginning.

The Lord values interaction over obedience. Augustine said, "Love God and do as you please." The reason this works out unto obedience in the long-term anyway is because the heart wrecked with Love for God and in the Love of God is the heart that will naturally and effortlessly please God, thus walking in obedience to the Heart of the Father, as opposed to the Command of the Law. (Again, Communion is superior to slavery.) Thus her question awakened something within me again to go after the dreams He has placed in my heart, however impossible and overwhelming and beyond me they may seem.

Since Beky and I don't really cross paths anymore, we made a little covenant together that we would each make an effort to contact the other at least once a month to catch up on things and encourage one another. Thus, she made sure I knew that the answer to her question had to wait until the next time we talk. (So yes, Bexter and anyone reading, you will have to wait at least a month for the answer.)

She also commented on this blog, which surprised me a bit. I get comments or such on the site every now and again, and maybe I've gotten a few verbal comments before, but for some reason her encouragement stood out to me. She just simply said that she reads it a lot and that there were a lot of times when she was really encouraged by something I had written. Somehow I knew the next thing that was going to come out of her mouth.

"Have you ever thought about writing a book or something?"

There it was. I cannot even begin to recall how many times someone has said this to me. I've know ever since I was pretty young that I loved to write. And though I didn't know it then, I had some relatively prohpetic dreams about it for most of my pre-teen years. I had reoccuring dreams about writing. In them, I would be sitting at a little desk with paper in front of me and a pen or pencil in my hand, except the writing utensil was about 35 times bigger than a normal pen or pence. I always thought this was funny. Now I see the significance.

When I was trying to figure out what to do with my life (easy, right?), my dad even asked me if I had ever thought about trying to write a book or something. I'm glad I had a seatbelt on or I would have fallen out of the car. I was shocked. This was very out of character for my dad. (What was funnier was my mom's comment: "What if he actually takes you seriously?!")

I've known for a while that the Lord has called me to write, though I'm not sure how or in what capacity or to what end... so until that time I'm just going to write. Feel free, any who are reading, to keep me accountable to it. I've scheduled a few times a week into my calendar to write and I'm going to do just that: write. So while I realize I'm sort of rambling at this point, I'm ok with that, because if you're still reading, then I'm doing something halfway write (haha, write/right...get it??).

Wow... so many back-logged thoughts... this should be fun.


Lord, I'm sorry I haven't really been faithful to this ability and passion you've given me. Give me the discipline and grace to be faithful to the end.